Silly Roxanna

He's dating the new girl... Which is why he didn't have time for me, and I am the idiot. The thing is, I know what love is, and whatever this is, isn't love. If a man really loves a woman, it doesn't matter if she's 10 miles away or 5000 miles away, if he thinks she's worth it, and he thinks that she is the woman he could spend the rest of his life with he will wait for her. Especially in the distance is temporary. When a boy tells a woman that he loves her and that he could see them having an amazing life together, and he runs around with other women, he doesn't mean it. So, after sending what was maybe the ugliest email I have ever sent anyone full of typos because of how mad I was (I edit myself like crazy, typos indicate how pissed I was) I decided that I was done and that I am going to learn to not care. He's a boy. He's a hurt and lost boy, but a boy none the less and I have niether the time nor the patience to deal with it. I was so hurt and mad last night that I couldn't sleep from anger. I gave my heart without even thinking, that's all he got, but that's just no good. If anything, this has taught me to be more gaurded. I was way too open. I was way too trusting. If anything, I should have been more careful. I'm sure if he were to read this, he would tell me that I am too gaurded, but clearly, based off of recent events this is not true. I am tired of feeling hurt. The best way to keep from getting hurt is to not let anyone in. That is the best solution. If someone wants to have my heart, from now on their pursuit is going to entail alot more than me giving freely.



So I told him everything about my life. I even let myself love him. I told him I did. Well, I take it all back. I don't care. I'm done. I'm taking back everything I said.

"I'm taking back when I said I would love you. I'm taking back every kiss that I gave you. I'm taking back every promise I made you. I'm taking back everything I said. When I said I would tell me what was I thinking?"

R

So in the last 3 months, R has told me he loved me, told me he would have kids with me, broke up with his most recent gf and as of last week we aren't even talking... Some where in between now and 3 months ago, I have caused my best friend so much stress that he doesn't want to talk to me. Not that he has said that he doesn't want to talk to me, but he doesn't. If he did we would have talked by now. Since January, this is the longest we have gone without talking. We didn't talk for 2 months before that because I was upset that he was dating the ex db1 not to be confused with ex wife db2. He says he's busy, but he's never been so busy he had no time to talk at all.

I just want to go back to the days when getting calls from me made his day. I want to get back to being the person that makes him feel better. I want my R back. I want to feel like I make his life better. When he says I love you, his voice drops and he gets quiet and he changes his tone. Its totally different from when we would say love you as friends. Totally different. Sometimes I think he only believes that he feels that way because I helped him get past db2. He needed me and I was there. I think that part of him feels the way because I was there for him during a dramatic time in his life. I would really love for him to mean everything he's said. I really hope he does mean it.

I want my best friend back. Regardless. I don't know how to fix this but I have to. I miss him so much and I miss laughing for hours talking to him and I miss things feeling normal. I miss him calling me when he can't sleep and I miss being about to talk all the time. I miss Katt Williams texts. I miss him. I wish he was here or I was there or something. I just wish I could give him a hug and things would be ok. I love that kid with all my heart.

Lately

I have decided that God has gifted me with singleness for now and I should rejoice in it.
I am applying for Grad school... Pray I get in.
I am now in Berlin till New Year.
My Uncle died 2 weeks ago and I am still morning his loss.
God is good.

Sobbing

I just finished watching Toy Story 3. The last 10 min of the movie I sobbed. I'm not talking a few tears and maybe I sigh, I mean I sobbed like a baby. I cried for a million reasons, only one of which being how sweet the movie was... I cried because my heart has been so heavy lately. I've had so much on my mind... The truth about everything in my life right now, is that I'm tired. I am so tired. I've been fighting myself, trying to hide, and I am tired of it... I'm tired and I'm done.

People play games with you, some not realizing that they are and they expect you to not take it personally. If you're playing games with my head, of course I'm going to take it personally... There's this person in my life... This person claims to know me. This person claims that I am an open book, completely easy to understand. This may be true. I am not hard to figure out, mostly because I do not try to hide who I am. If you feel you have figured out some aspects of who I am, congrats, you have a brain. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't try to have a poker face, and I don't try to mislead people. I say what I think, I act in a way that represents me, and I am not afraid to be real. This person has been playing games with me. I had some pretty strong feelings for this person too... I really liked this person and could have easily seen myself falling for this person. I no longer think this way.

I value tradition. I sometimes wish we lived in the 50's when men and woman had certain roles when interacting with each other. A man would never ask a woman if she loved him unless he loved her in return. A man did not have "feelings" talks with women other than the one he was with, and this was out of respect for his partner, the other woman, and himself. A man that truly respects himself has boundaries and respects other people's boundaries. I value old fashioned ways of living. I wish I had clearer boundaries. I should have had clearer boundaries with this person. I assumed that it was clear that the conversations we were having were ones I didn't want to have. I assumed that it was clear that to me unless he was pursuing me, he shouldn't be trying to get me to talk about my feelings... I assumed this because this person claimed to know me. If he knew me, we would have never had these conversations to begin with.

I am learning to value my own time. I am learning that my worth comes from something other than people, and that I cannot waste time or my heart on people who are not going to honor it. I cannot waste my heart on someone who will not guard it. Yes, I want my friends, my boy friends, the people in my life to guard my heart. I know this sounds ultra Christian and may sound too baptist for some of you, but its how I feel... Guard my heart! Respect my time. Both are worth more to me than any friendship.

I am not a dumb bitch!

Tonight was the sort of night where I almost ended a friendship. Now, people who know me know that I generally do not end friendships. I hang on to them way to long and then wait for them to fizzle out on their own. I hate ending friendships because it makes me feel like I failed. Tonight, I almost said fuck it and ended it anyway...

In the past few months, I have been treated like a dumb bitch. Which is ironic, because I have been calling your exs dumb bitches since the beginning of the relationships themselves. I have this much to say about this matter...

If you insist on throwing my feelings in my face, and making me feel stupid, I will insist on no longer allowing you to enjoy my friendship. I am NOT a dumb bitch and I refuse to be treated like one.

The things I have been saying over and over again...

Dear Randy:

I do not lie to you. I don't tell you anything that is not true... I do not tell you things that I do not believe, I do not tell you things that are not the case, and I most certainly do not outright lie. I am not a liar. Please don't make it seem like I am. If anything, I have a hard time not telling you things. I have a hard time not having a filter with you. In fact, when I try, all you have to do is ask and I tell you. I am not deceitful, on the contrary, I am as open with you as I can be with anyone. I am guarded, and I am this way for a reason. I have a hard time trusting, and this is for a reason. If I show you anymore of myself than I do to most people, it is because I feel as though you are trust worthy. Please don't do things to make me re-consider this.

If you know how I feel, and you know that I take you seriously as a prospect, why would you ask me about another woman? If you honestly think that I am in love with you, why would you put me in this situation? Why would you hurt me like that? Why would you hurt one of your best friends like that? If you know that acting like I don't care is my way to deal with knowing that you don't want me, why would you push it? The only reasons I can think of that you would want to know how I feel is if you didn't feel the same way or you actually did have feelings for me and wanted to pursue it, or you are evil, or you are stupid... I don't think you are evil. I also don't think you are stupid. So either you need to grow some balls and tell me that you have changed your mind and do not have feelings for me anymore OR you need to quick dicking around and let me know that there may be a future because I can't do this back and forth thing. I can't tell you how I feel one day and then act like nothing was ever said. I can't tell you that I want to be with you one day and then give you advice on things with your gf the next. I either need to have it made clear to me that I'm just in the friend zone, or I'm not. Its not complicated, its not difficult, its not convoluted, it is what it is... Plain and simple.
Please guard my heart in this. Please stop reminding me how I feel if you do not reciprocate. Please do not try to make our friendship about the fact that I have feelings for you, and please allow me to be your friend the best way I know how, even if it is in a way that you do not feel is honest. I will never mislead you... But you know where I stand. I don't need to constantly tell you that I want you to not be with her. I don't need to tell you that I wish it were me.... You should know that by now. We shouldn't have to keep going in circles... I'm trying to be the best friend to you that I can be...
What I really want to know is why you expect me to tell you my heart if you feel like its being wasted on you? Why do you keep wanting to hear me tell you about my feelings if we both its not going anywhere. You're not going to pursue me, and I'm in no place to be with anyone so what is your angel? What do you want from me? What are you trying prove? If your goal was just to remind me that I'm human and that I have feelings and I am capable of loving another human being you've succeeded. If you were trying to remind me that I am indeed a girl, well done, I admit it now, can we move on? If loving you is the roadblock in our friendship, then why is it bad that I pretend I do not? I just want to know your intentions... That's not too much to ask for is it?


R

Dear Randy

I was on the phone with you tonight before I called Jane. Sometimes when I talk to you, I feel like you think you're better than me and are too nice to say so... Its not that I think you really believe this deep down. It's just sometimes, your tone, your laugh, your ability to laugh off anything I say, your tendency to act as though what I say bears no weight... Sometimes, I wonder if you really do think as highly of me as you say you do... In fact, I don't think you do. I think you give me a lot of lip service... Not because you feel like you have to, but because I feel like you enjoy the reaction I give you. You enjoy our flirtation because I give you my heart without expectation of anything in return... But I am growing weary my dear... I am growing very weary. In fact, I don't know if you had noticed, but I stopped calling you for a bit... I didn't make an effort to talk at all for a bit... Because I was mad at you. I was disappointed in your behavior. You were taking advantage of the fact that I like you. Which is fun for you I'm sure... You didn't mean to, but you were enjoying it none-the-less.

In the last week I have started to see you for who you really are... Which isn't a bad person, but you are no longer the standard. I know better exists... I don't know why I thought you were the best I could do... What the fuck was I thinking. Last week I was so mad at you, that I almost decided not to talk to you until I got back... And if you get back with Savannah, I won't. "If we weren't such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead." I already see it coming. I already know you will. I already am thinking of ways to not miss you and I am already mad at you for doing this to me. For doing this to yourself. Because I will clean this HUGE mess when its over. I will get burned. I see this coming from a mile away. I am going to stop giving my heart to you... Because I'm running out of places to hide from you. I'm going to run out of ways to keep myself from getting hurt. I am tired my darling. Tired of this mess you have made. Tired of laying in the bed you made. I want you to be happy and stable and healthy. But I don't want to want for you that which you do not want for yourself. I can't make you choose what is best for you. I can just be there when you fall and tell myself that the next time you're on your own. I will tell myself this time and again and for some reason I will keep being there, because in my head I have to. But I just want you to know Randy. I want you to know, that I don't want to clean up your mess. I want you to not make it to begin with. I know that's asking alot. I know that's expecting too much... But I'm tired of wanting the best I know... I want the best there is. And that my love, is not you. Not by a long shot.

Fuck Was I...

Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.
I'm developing my sense of humor,
till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesnt get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love plows through me like a dozer,
I've got more give than a bale of hay,
and there's always a big mess left over.
What did you do?
What did you say?

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the special one that doesn't get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love tears me up like a demon.
Opens the wounds and fills them with lead,
and I'm having some trouble just breathing.
If we weren't such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead

Oh it's so embarrassing
I'm this awkward and uncomparable thing,
and I'm running out of places to hide