Its been a long ass time...

SO I've been home for about 2 months now... Much has happened and I need a place to write, so I'm going to do it here in hopes that no one actually reads it. Ok first thing's first...

I have been talking to this guy friend of mine... A guy that I am crazy about and sometimes I wonder if the universe has it in for me... He's perfect. He is just my friend, and he opens car doors for me, says sweet things, and when he kissed me the world stopped for a second. This guy recently got divorced or rather is in the process.... Are you noticing a pattern? I am! What is it with me and divorced men!
I was facestalking his soon to be ex-wife. On her facebook there are old wedding pictures, they had been married for 3 years, and I was looking at them. I wanted to cry. It was painful seeing them. Partially because she's a dumb bitch and I hate her and he's such a good guy and could do so much better, but also, because I really wanted him. I liked him when they got married. I liked him about right after Robbie and I broke up. I liked him when his mom died and he called me on the phone from Denver crying... I liked him when he told me they were getting back together, and I liked him when I told him it was a bad idea and she would break his heart. I liked him when they were married and he told me they were having problems, and I liked him when I told one of my best friends that eventually they would break up and I would jump on the opportunity if it came up... I liked him when he called me upset because she left him, and I liked him when he called me everyday for a month because he needed someone to talk to... I liked him when I drove 4.5 hours to see him just so that he would kiss me, using my interview as an excuse and I liked him when he did and he took my breath away. And I like him now. In fact, he is exactly what I want and now is not the right time. He is not ready. But I want him anyway. If I thought there was a way for me to win him over I would. I want him exactly as he is. Fucked up and all.

Even in the state that he is in he is still the most amazing guy in the world. Even with all of the hurt and confusion he is feeling he still takes the cake. I want this guy. I could see a future with this guy... He doesn't know what he wants. How could he? He just found out about a month ago that his wife was leaving him... He had a wife. A woman that he promised to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better or for worse... He promised to love her as long as they both lived forsaking all others. How can I compete with that? How can I compete with marriage vows? I can't. He thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. I can't compete with the rest of his life... So even though he likes me, and even though he kissed me, and even though he says "Fuck her, I'm done!" I know and he knows and God knows that he's not done. He may not be waiting by the phone for her call... But he's still hoping deep down that she will, because when he said as long as we both shall live.... He meant it.



Oh and his ex-wife also hates me, mostly because I was his friend and took his side when she left him in high school, and when I face stalked her today I saw this comment that I knew was about me. She hadn't posted it... But it doesn't matter. She's not a fan. I'm not a fan of her. The good news is, my life is so much better than her life could ever be. That and she has lost the most amazing guy in the world. That and her husband, well her soon to be ex husband, has kissed me. Oh and I've seen a good bit of the world, and I have lived in multiple countries, and I can have kids and she can't... (I'm ranting btw) I guess what it all boils down to, is that I was jealous of her having him but my life is better than her life will ever be. She is not even 23 yet, she's getting divorced, she can't have children, even though it was her dream, and she will never be happy. I would feel bad for her, if it weren't her own doing. I know meanness isn't a pretty color on me, but this girl is my least favorite person in the world right now...

Do you ever...

Do you ever just wanna say screw it and give up? Because I do right now.

Things that I love

I love:
Nutella and banana sandwiches
Crackers with Cream cheese
Apples with peanut butter
Sunshine!
Warm weather and by warm I mean at least 75 degrees F no cooler thank you!
GOSSIP GIRL!!!!
My roommate Maria
Cheddar Cheese
Oven thin crust pizza with almost no cheese, NO meat and tons of veggies!!!!
Risotto with veggies, mushrooms, and a tiny hint of safran
Laughing
Coffee shops
riding a bike in the sun


These are a few of my favorite things!

My life right now

So, I am sitting in my new bedroom (I moved) watching White Collar online while cleaning my room. Life is good! I love my new apt. I live with 2 AMAZING girls who are Austrian and maybe my 2 favorite people here. Well, Maria is anyway. I could totally see myself being friends with Maria for a long time! She's awesome! I am doing so much better! Its funny how being alone too much durring the day and living in a place you dont feel totally ok at makes you depressed. It also helps that the sun has decided to shine again showing its beautiful face! I love sun! It really makes me happier when the sun shines. I hope you all are well and still reading, although I'm sure no one is. I love you!

R

BF, Valentines Day, and the like

So, as you all know there is a new man in my life. I have a bf, his name is Israel, people call him Sruli, he's a Jew, and he is the nicest guy on the planet. He lives in Guildford. He's awesome and I am happy. I've been to visit him 2xs and he came here for Vday. He sent me flowers, bought me Lush shampoo, conditioner, soap, massage stuff, and a body bar. It was awesome! He is the sweetest person in the world. He is so considerate! For example, the two times that I have visited him, he had food ready and waiting for me each night that I got in. He also does my laundry, he cleans the kitchen when I cook, and he is the most amazing man I have ever met in my life, and I am lucky to have him. I never thought I would ever be able to say that. I never thought I would ever feel lucky to be with a man. But I am! He's great!

Love Yall!
R

Fake Plastic Trees

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins

It wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time




This looks like the real thing, it tastes like the real thing... I am really hoping this is the real thing. He's awesome! I'm going to be spending the next 2 weekends with him... We'll see how this goes. I just really want something to go well for me. I'm ready for something to work out.

Important turn of events!

So... I have a bf!