Giving You Space

sms (R): Are you dead?
(Me): What do you mean am I dead?
(R): I haven't heard from you in days... I thought you might be mad at me or you died.
(Me): Were you worried sweetpea?
(R): A bit.
(Me): Aw that's sweet. I was being less available to you... I felt like I had been trying too hard to talk to you, so I was taking a break.
(R): Can you call?
(Me): Now?
(R): Yeah...

So of course I called... And we talked... For over an hour we spoke on the phone and the dynamic has changed between us. It's not the same. Part of this is because I forget I'm not his girlfriend and I have no claim on him. I know this sounds stupid. I mean, there is no reason why I should feel like I have any right to stake claim and I have no right to be jealous of any woman he may have in his life and yet, because I feel jealous, invisible, and for some reason jilted, I've complicated what was once the perfect friendship... I mean, he didn't help things, but if I had just kept my mouth shut, we would be able to talk about stuff and I wouldn't feel hurt, because he wouldn't know how I feel and things would be ok. The only down side to this idea is that he would have never kissed me... But I can't change what's happened...

I wasn't just mad at him you know? I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself because I felt hurt over nothing and because he should be a big deal. Nothing I say to him about my life bothers him. I mean he doesn't like it when I talk about sex, but it doesn't really bother him. It bothers me when he talks about db's. Not because I want to ever be db3... I don't. I wanna be the Rachel to his Batman. Without the dying part. I wanna be the Lois Lane to his Superman. The MJ to his Spiderman... You get the picture. But I'm not the leading lady, his cursory interest in me is superficial at best, but I was trying to play the role.
In order to get back to my Alfred role I've been giving him space. Not so much for him as for me. I'm giving him space so that I can remember to stay true to my role... Alfred. He could be my silver spring, but she's pretty... And she loves him and baby I don't wanna know.



You could be my silver spring...
Blue-green... colors flashin'
I would be your only dream.....
Your shinin' autumn... ocean crashin'...
Don't say that she's pretty...
and did you say that she loves you...?
Baby I don't wanna know.

So I'll begin not to love you...
Turn around, you'll see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago...
And tell myself you never loved me... No...
Don't say that she's pretty...
And did you say that she loves you...?
Baby, I don't wanna know... Oh no...
And can you tell me... was it worth it...?
Baby, I don't wanna know...

Time cast a spell on you... you won't forget me...
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me...

Time cast a spell on you... but you won't forget me...
(I was such a fool)
I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me...
(Give me one more chance)
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you...
(Haunt you)
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

Conversations I've had with you in my head...

I've said all kinds of things to you in my head. I've had whole conversations with you. I've told you that you're not the man for me. I've told you I love you... I've told you that you'll never love me. In my head I have said things to you that I would never say to anyone. I don't know why I can't say these things to you in real life. I don't know what holds me back or what keeps me from being honest... Not that I lie to you, but I'm never fully honest. I am very skilled at giving you just enough to make you feel comfortable. Enough to make you think you know exactly what I'm thinking. I wish I had the courage to have the conversations with you that I have in my head.

One of the things that I would tell you, is that you're the kind of man that I want to marry, and if you really don't ever see yourself getting married, you can't be with me because I want to get married and have kids... If you don't then don't waste my time. Which is too much to ask from you right now. And I understand that. Its just I want that epic love story that transcends time and that might seem naive. I'm aware that it is a lot to expect from life, but it's what I'm aiming for. I don't see us having that. In part because in your mind, you've already had it and because in mine there is the chance that I never will.

It may be childish, it may be naive, but I want the fairy tale love story that makes my friends cry and causes my mother to want me to get married. I want the kind of love that last even after one of us dies. The kind when after one death the other just stops living due to broken-heartedness. The kind of love that produces children who respect people and want to make the world better than it is. The kind of love that last forever. I believe it is possible. I won't settle for less. I have before. I won't now. I'm 24 and while that may still be young, I'm not getting any younger, and I don't have time to waste my heart on bullshit.

I'm 24, a good number of my friends are engaged or married, and I don't have time to waste on you. Not that you are generally a wast of time, but you're a waste of my time and my heart. And while I would love you to prove me wrong, I know you won't. So, I'm going to keep searching the world over for my prince charming, for my happy ending, and while I may never find it, it's better to die searching for what you really want, than to live settling for what you don't.

That being said, you will tell me that I don't know these things to be true, and neither do you. You would tell me that you don't even know which way is up and which is down and to not give up... At least this is what you say in my head. It's not even really what I want to hear. It just what I think you would say but better... Anyway, who knows, maybe someday we'll talk about this and you'll tell me what I need to hear, whatever that may be, and I'll stop having conversations with you in my head because we'll start saying things in real life.

Bellevue

I'm sitting home, by myself on a Saturday night watching House... alone... There could be a million reasons why I'm sitting home alone watching TV on a night like tonight, but none of them are good reasons. The main one being that I'm single, and I don't feel like leaving my house just to talk with other single women about being single. My friend J wanted to go to a salsa club tonight... I don't dance. Well, that's not true... I don't like crowds of people and I don't like random creepy guys trying to talk to me or dance with me. Granted I'm not a very pretty girl and I could stand to fix a few things about myself, but I am a girl none the less and I'm not unfortunate looking so every once in a while I get hit on by guys. I am some guys type in a way. I'm short, have curly brown hair, and brown eyes... There are guys that go for that.

I'm not the going out type at all really. I'd much rather hit a bar or a karaoke place than go to a club. Nashville is a good city for a person like me. Tons of bars to hang out in, bars where I do not have to talk to anyone if I don't want to but can if I do. Sometimes, I'll go to a coffee shop by myself with a book and read. I like being in public, I don't always like being with people. I could go to a coffee shop tonight if I really wanted to... But I don't. I'm funny that way. I don't want to be alone, but I do.

I've spent a lot of time by myself over the past two years. Well, that's not all together true. N and I broke up two years ago. Before we broke up I spent almost all of my free time with him. I miss that. I miss having someone to spend all of my free time with. Sometimes, when he would get off of work, he would have me meet him at his apartment out in Bellevue and we would drink and watch one of 3 movies and then brush our teeth and go to bed. Brushing your teeth with someone is a very intimate thing to me. It's something personal that you don't normally do with other people. Something you do by yourself when you wake up or right before you go to bed. Being there in his apartment with him, getting ready for bed, I felt like we were on our way to getting married. I didn't live with him per se, but I did sleep every night at his apartment, had a tooth brush there, and forgot enough clothes there that I really didn't need to bring any with me.
I spent my freshman year of college in that apartment. Sometimes, I wish I was spending my time there now. But not really. I just want to be spending my Saturday night with my boyfriend, drinking vodka sours, watching our favorite movies, and then going to bed. It doesn't need to be N. It could be anyone. But sometimes, on nights like tonight, when I'm home alone in my parents house, waiting to go back to my apartment in another city, I wish I were back in Bellevue, with a drink in my hand quoting lines from a crappy movie I have seen a hundred times, with the guy I've been brushing my teeth with since I was 19.

I know

I told him I knew as soon as he started talking about it. A woman has this instinct that lets us know right before something is about to go wrong. "She's grown up a lot." He says this, after spending 2 weeks with her... I listen to him talk about her for a good 30 min. I know... I may have been born at night but it wasn't last night... I know... He knows her. He's known her for years. She's held onto him. Of course he likes that. He's telling me about her and I would be lying if it said it didn't mess with my emotions... He wants me to want him, but he's telling me about someone else. This was the moment I threw in the towel. "Don't worry" he says, "in five years she probably won't be around." We have this thing, that in 5 years after he's gotten over all of his shit, I get to call dibs... "Maybe I don't want to anymore." I almost whisper this... "What? Call dibs?" He asked... "Yeah" I say with more confidence, I mean he's been sleeping with his ex for the past month, why would I want to consider someone who is doing that. "That's messed up!" He almost sounds angry. As though he's upset by the idea that I no longer want him... "Why?" I ask and honestly, at this point, I don't understand why he would be upset.

He has DB1 to take care of him. (DB1 and DB2 are his two exes that we refer to as dumb bitch one and two.) I on the other hand am not a dumb bitch. He knows this and I know this... And yet, during this particular conversation I feel like one. I'm pissy and upset and my feelings are hurt and I refuse to say what I really want to say which is "How can you say you have feelings for me and tell me all this shit! Can't you see it hurts me? Don't you know how I feel about you?" We argue about why it bothers him that I no longer want to call dibs, which really means I no longer want him. We argue about if his feeling are hurt or not and talk in "Maybe" as in "Maybe that hurt my feelings" and "Maybe when I kissed you I felt something" And we dance around what we both really want to say and no one says what they really mean.

What it all boils down to, is that he is broken, and needs to have someone love him anyway... Someone who sees how broken he is. I don't know if DB1 does. He says he needs me in his life, and coming from him this is a lot. I know because he swears up and down all the time that he doesn't need anything or anyone. What it all boils down to, is that I know he's going to go back to DB1. I know that she provides some momentary comfort and knowing this breaks my heart a little. What it all boils down to is that he is basically everything that I want and can't have. What it all boils down to is that we are two broken people, looking for someone or something to fill the cracks, hoping that eventually someone or something will. Maybe he hopes it will be me? Maybe he thinks it will be DB2 and she'll come back and make everything all better. Maybe he has no idea what he's doing and just needs to be wanted. I think DB1 needs him in her life. I don't need him in mine, and for some reason, in my head this just makes the case for why he shouldn't be with her stronger. He doesn't need someone who needs him. That's the mistake he's made time and time again. He takes some girl with daddy issues and problems who needs someone to make it all better and he does and then when she can stand on her own she leaves.

Maybe I shouldn't care as much as I do, and not take his thing with DB1 personally. Maybe I should just ignore how I feel and not call dibs and forget about all of it. That would probably be the best thing. But I felt something when he kissed me. And he did too... And I've liked him for years. And you can't make your heart not want something even if your head is telling you it can see your heartbreak from a mile away... I wish they could line up for once. My head and my heart, and get on the same damn page! It would make life easier. He says it hurt his feelings because he specifically wanted me to call dibs... I'm not so sure about that... What I am sure about, is this will either end very badly, or be the best thing. He says they've talked about getting back together. He says he doesn't even know if they will, but I know. I know him... I know.



I Know by Fiona Apple

So be it, I'm your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, dont need to say it

Its been a long ass time...

SO I've been home for about 2 months now... Much has happened and I need a place to write, so I'm going to do it here in hopes that no one actually reads it. Ok first thing's first...

I have been talking to this guy friend of mine... A guy that I am crazy about and sometimes I wonder if the universe has it in for me... He's perfect. He is just my friend, and he opens car doors for me, says sweet things, and when he kissed me the world stopped for a second. This guy recently got divorced or rather is in the process.... Are you noticing a pattern? I am! What is it with me and divorced men!
I was facestalking his soon to be ex-wife. On her facebook there are old wedding pictures, they had been married for 3 years, and I was looking at them. I wanted to cry. It was painful seeing them. Partially because she's a dumb bitch and I hate her and he's such a good guy and could do so much better, but also, because I really wanted him. I liked him when they got married. I liked him about right after Robbie and I broke up. I liked him when his mom died and he called me on the phone from Denver crying... I liked him when he told me they were getting back together, and I liked him when I told him it was a bad idea and she would break his heart. I liked him when they were married and he told me they were having problems, and I liked him when I told one of my best friends that eventually they would break up and I would jump on the opportunity if it came up... I liked him when he called me upset because she left him, and I liked him when he called me everyday for a month because he needed someone to talk to... I liked him when I drove 4.5 hours to see him just so that he would kiss me, using my interview as an excuse and I liked him when he did and he took my breath away. And I like him now. In fact, he is exactly what I want and now is not the right time. He is not ready. But I want him anyway. If I thought there was a way for me to win him over I would. I want him exactly as he is. Fucked up and all.

Even in the state that he is in he is still the most amazing guy in the world. Even with all of the hurt and confusion he is feeling he still takes the cake. I want this guy. I could see a future with this guy... He doesn't know what he wants. How could he? He just found out about a month ago that his wife was leaving him... He had a wife. A woman that he promised to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better or for worse... He promised to love her as long as they both lived forsaking all others. How can I compete with that? How can I compete with marriage vows? I can't. He thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. I can't compete with the rest of his life... So even though he likes me, and even though he kissed me, and even though he says "Fuck her, I'm done!" I know and he knows and God knows that he's not done. He may not be waiting by the phone for her call... But he's still hoping deep down that she will, because when he said as long as we both shall live.... He meant it.



Oh and his ex-wife also hates me, mostly because I was his friend and took his side when she left him in high school, and when I face stalked her today I saw this comment that I knew was about me. She hadn't posted it... But it doesn't matter. She's not a fan. I'm not a fan of her. The good news is, my life is so much better than her life could ever be. That and she has lost the most amazing guy in the world. That and her husband, well her soon to be ex husband, has kissed me. Oh and I've seen a good bit of the world, and I have lived in multiple countries, and I can have kids and she can't... (I'm ranting btw) I guess what it all boils down to, is that I was jealous of her having him but my life is better than her life will ever be. She is not even 23 yet, she's getting divorced, she can't have children, even though it was her dream, and she will never be happy. I would feel bad for her, if it weren't her own doing. I know meanness isn't a pretty color on me, but this girl is my least favorite person in the world right now...

Do you ever...

Do you ever just wanna say screw it and give up? Because I do right now.

Things that I love

I love:
Nutella and banana sandwiches
Crackers with Cream cheese
Apples with peanut butter
Sunshine!
Warm weather and by warm I mean at least 75 degrees F no cooler thank you!
GOSSIP GIRL!!!!
My roommate Maria
Cheddar Cheese
Oven thin crust pizza with almost no cheese, NO meat and tons of veggies!!!!
Risotto with veggies, mushrooms, and a tiny hint of safran
Laughing
Coffee shops
riding a bike in the sun


These are a few of my favorite things!