I am visiting Amy's bible study tonight and before the bible study they are fasting, so I decided to fast too. I have never done a full fast before. I have done partial fasts at Lent. I do that every year. But giving up coffee is not the same as giving up food. I used to forget to eat in high school. I would not have time for lunch and then eat dinner with my fam. Tonight, we are going to break our fast. I am praying that my fast will teach me more about the God I try to serve. I hope that I will be able to serve him well.
I love yall!
Roxanna
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
In case you ever read this...
The reason why I am so pissed off at you right now, is because you're not thinking about my feelings. How your actions and words affect me is an after thought. I don't want to stress you out, I don't want to upset you, but I don't want you to think that you can say whatever you want when ever you want and it have no effect on me. If you know me as well as you say you do, you know that I think the only reason a man should have a woman tell him she loves him is if he wants to pursue her. THERE IS NO OTHER REASON! EVER! And I get it. You don't want to pursue anyone. You're not in a place and this is not the time, and I can't expect any more from you than what I'm getting... I don't expect any more from you than what I'm getting.
I don't want to stress you out, I don't want to upset you, I want us to be friends and be able to bullshit and laugh and quote Katt Williams. I don't want to make the friendship about my feelings for you and I don't want you to take me out of my comfort zone unless its a safe place and right now, I'm in a place where I'm bound to get hurt.
I don't want to stress you out, I don't want to upset you, I want us to be friends and be able to bullshit and laugh and quote Katt Williams. I don't want to make the friendship about my feelings for you and I don't want you to take me out of my comfort zone unless its a safe place and right now, I'm in a place where I'm bound to get hurt.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Because I'm a girl and I want the story, I do stupid things...
So, I got a bit excited about that boy coming back into my life. I have decided that I need to tone it down. I get so excited at the prospect of things that could happen, that I get lost in the possibility and forget to live in reality. I called him too much in the last few days. I will not be calling him for a while. It's better that way. I just liked him so much in high school. I like being the girl that got away. I like still being that. I just wanted something to surprise me and blow me away. I shouldn't have assumed that this would be it. I need to stay grounded. The story isn't always real. Sometimes the story is in my head. Even if I love the story, I can't live my life by it.
Love yall
R
Love yall
R
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Because I'm a girl and I want the story.
There was once a little girl, who dreamed of a white knight on his gallant steed waiting to ride up and sweep her off her feet. When she used to play with her dolls, she would have the boy doll ride on a horse and reproduce this. She wanted to be a princess. She wasn't even a girly girl. She played in the dirt with her teenage mutant ninja turtles, but she desperately wanted to be someone's princess. When she was 16, she met a boy, who thought she was a princess. He let her know him. He was a guarded knight. He hid his armor but wore it well and he knew that while he wanted to sweep her off her feet, he had to slay some pretty large dragons first. So, he let the girl be content with the fool she thought she was in love with. All the while, the knight was slaying dragons and protecting other maidens from evil doers. After some time, the knight forgot about his princess. The girl however, became tired of the fool, and waited for the knight to come back... He did not.
5 years later, after trying to kiss frogs and cast spells, the girl looked into the magic book of faces and found the knight. He was living outside her kingdom and was on his way to become a lord. She was nervous about contacting him. It was not common for girls to contact knights after all. Maidens are saved because knights find them, not because they ask to be. So the girl took the chance. She sent a message to the knight hoping that he would respond.
The knight meanwhile had been in his castle, with his maiden love enjoying his life without thought of the girl. Suddenly a message arrived and he saw her seal. It had been a long time since he last saw her seal. He opened the message. "I hope you do not hate me" he could see where her pen had been shaking, "I hope we can be friends again". He smiled as he read her name. He hadn't thought of her in some time, and now there she was, sending him a letter after years of not even a word.
The knight wrote her back, assuring her that he did not wish any ill will toward her and that in fact he was overjoyed at her attempt to make contact, and this, dear reader, is how the correspondence began. They began to send letters, waiting for the other's response. The knight wanted to see the girl again. She was however, in a kingdom that was far away on the other side of a giant pond. The pond was more like an ocean than a pond, and while the distance was great they began to remember the closeness that they had once shared.
The girl began to know the knight again, and he began to know her. The girl began to remember what it was like to be a princess. She began to remember what it felt like to be known and in an instant she began to feel fear creep through her breast. She was afraid of the closeness. She was afraid that the knight who could slay dragons and save princesses would again leave for greener pastures. The knight, in knight fashion, reminded the girl that best friends stay even when it is not comfortable. And that they were indeed the best of friends. The kind that are known.
The girl secretly, well, not so secretly, wished for the knight to see her as a princess. She wished that he would become the knight she had wished for as a child. She wished and waited and hoped. She is still in her kingdom, and he is still in his. There is a great distance that separates them, but there is a closeness that keeps them from being apart.
5 years later, after trying to kiss frogs and cast spells, the girl looked into the magic book of faces and found the knight. He was living outside her kingdom and was on his way to become a lord. She was nervous about contacting him. It was not common for girls to contact knights after all. Maidens are saved because knights find them, not because they ask to be. So the girl took the chance. She sent a message to the knight hoping that he would respond.
The knight meanwhile had been in his castle, with his maiden love enjoying his life without thought of the girl. Suddenly a message arrived and he saw her seal. It had been a long time since he last saw her seal. He opened the message. "I hope you do not hate me" he could see where her pen had been shaking, "I hope we can be friends again". He smiled as he read her name. He hadn't thought of her in some time, and now there she was, sending him a letter after years of not even a word.
The knight wrote her back, assuring her that he did not wish any ill will toward her and that in fact he was overjoyed at her attempt to make contact, and this, dear reader, is how the correspondence began. They began to send letters, waiting for the other's response. The knight wanted to see the girl again. She was however, in a kingdom that was far away on the other side of a giant pond. The pond was more like an ocean than a pond, and while the distance was great they began to remember the closeness that they had once shared.
The girl began to know the knight again, and he began to know her. The girl began to remember what it was like to be a princess. She began to remember what it felt like to be known and in an instant she began to feel fear creep through her breast. She was afraid of the closeness. She was afraid that the knight who could slay dragons and save princesses would again leave for greener pastures. The knight, in knight fashion, reminded the girl that best friends stay even when it is not comfortable. And that they were indeed the best of friends. The kind that are known.
The girl secretly, well, not so secretly, wished for the knight to see her as a princess. She wished that he would become the knight she had wished for as a child. She wished and waited and hoped. She is still in her kingdom, and he is still in his. There is a great distance that separates them, but there is a closeness that keeps them from being apart.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Music
It's amazing how you can fall in love with a song all over again years after you first heard it. This happened last night. I was listening to Stevie Nicks song Silver Springs on repeat for a good hour and it spoke to my heart. I'm not a good writer, I'm not very good at expressing myself, but when I listen to music, I hear my thoughts. Last night I found Silver Springs again. I had first heard this song when I was really small, maybe 4 or 5. My mom listened to nothing be classic rock when I was younger and so, I grew up with a love for Fleetwood Mac, Queen, Clapton, and the Eagles. When I hear songs from these artists, I am 6 again, singing in the car at the top of my lunges.
When I was 11, I sang in a wedding. I hated the song I had to sing, and I didn't want to sing the song I sang, but I loved singing. The teacher that asked me to sing in his wedding had taught me a Minnie Riperton song and I practiced singing it in his classroom. I sang "My Heart Will Go On" for his wedding... I still hate that song, but I still love "Memory Lane". Minnie had soul. I wanted to sing with that same kind of soul. Maybe when I was 14 I did... Maybe I still can. I've stopped singing. I sang for another wedding a couple of years ago. It was fun. I missed singing. Wait, scratch that, I miss singing. I sing all the time, but I miss choir, and weddings, and competition... I miss having music be the center of my life. When I get back to Vienna I'm going to join a choir. I need music to become the focus. I've been losing myself lately. I've been finding my worth and value in the men I date and in the people I make proud... I need to find value in myself and it needs to come from me.
I'm going to sing today at the top of my lunges and I don't really care who hears it. :)
Love yall!
When I was 11, I sang in a wedding. I hated the song I had to sing, and I didn't want to sing the song I sang, but I loved singing. The teacher that asked me to sing in his wedding had taught me a Minnie Riperton song and I practiced singing it in his classroom. I sang "My Heart Will Go On" for his wedding... I still hate that song, but I still love "Memory Lane". Minnie had soul. I wanted to sing with that same kind of soul. Maybe when I was 14 I did... Maybe I still can. I've stopped singing. I sang for another wedding a couple of years ago. It was fun. I missed singing. Wait, scratch that, I miss singing. I sing all the time, but I miss choir, and weddings, and competition... I miss having music be the center of my life. When I get back to Vienna I'm going to join a choir. I need music to become the focus. I've been losing myself lately. I've been finding my worth and value in the men I date and in the people I make proud... I need to find value in myself and it needs to come from me.
I'm going to sing today at the top of my lunges and I don't really care who hears it. :)
Love yall!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Giving You Space
sms (R): Are you dead?
(Me): What do you mean am I dead?
(R): I haven't heard from you in days... I thought you might be mad at me or you died.
(Me): Were you worried sweetpea?
(R): A bit.
(Me): Aw that's sweet. I was being less available to you... I felt like I had been trying too hard to talk to you, so I was taking a break.
(R): Can you call?
(Me): Now?
(R): Yeah...
So of course I called... And we talked... For over an hour we spoke on the phone and the dynamic has changed between us. It's not the same. Part of this is because I forget I'm not his girlfriend and I have no claim on him. I know this sounds stupid. I mean, there is no reason why I should feel like I have any right to stake claim and I have no right to be jealous of any woman he may have in his life and yet, because I feel jealous, invisible, and for some reason jilted, I've complicated what was once the perfect friendship... I mean, he didn't help things, but if I had just kept my mouth shut, we would be able to talk about stuff and I wouldn't feel hurt, because he wouldn't know how I feel and things would be ok. The only down side to this idea is that he would have never kissed me... But I can't change what's happened...
I wasn't just mad at him you know? I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself because I felt hurt over nothing and because he should be a big deal. Nothing I say to him about my life bothers him. I mean he doesn't like it when I talk about sex, but it doesn't really bother him. It bothers me when he talks about db's. Not because I want to ever be db3... I don't. I wanna be the Rachel to his Batman. Without the dying part. I wanna be the Lois Lane to his Superman. The MJ to his Spiderman... You get the picture. But I'm not the leading lady, his cursory interest in me is superficial at best, but I was trying to play the role.
In order to get back to my Alfred role I've been giving him space. Not so much for him as for me. I'm giving him space so that I can remember to stay true to my role... Alfred. He could be my silver spring, but she's pretty... And she loves him and baby I don't wanna know.
You could be my silver spring...
Blue-green... colors flashin'
I would be your only dream.....
Your shinin' autumn... ocean crashin'...
Don't say that she's pretty...
and did you say that she loves you...?
Baby I don't wanna know.
So I'll begin not to love you...
Turn around, you'll see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago...
And tell myself you never loved me... No...
Don't say that she's pretty...
And did you say that she loves you...?
Baby, I don't wanna know... Oh no...
And can you tell me... was it worth it...?
Baby, I don't wanna know...
Time cast a spell on you... you won't forget me...
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me...
Time cast a spell on you... but you won't forget me...
(I was such a fool)
I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me...
(Give me one more chance)
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you...
(Haunt you)
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you
(Me): What do you mean am I dead?
(R): I haven't heard from you in days... I thought you might be mad at me or you died.
(Me): Were you worried sweetpea?
(R): A bit.
(Me): Aw that's sweet. I was being less available to you... I felt like I had been trying too hard to talk to you, so I was taking a break.
(R): Can you call?
(Me): Now?
(R): Yeah...
So of course I called... And we talked... For over an hour we spoke on the phone and the dynamic has changed between us. It's not the same. Part of this is because I forget I'm not his girlfriend and I have no claim on him. I know this sounds stupid. I mean, there is no reason why I should feel like I have any right to stake claim and I have no right to be jealous of any woman he may have in his life and yet, because I feel jealous, invisible, and for some reason jilted, I've complicated what was once the perfect friendship... I mean, he didn't help things, but if I had just kept my mouth shut, we would be able to talk about stuff and I wouldn't feel hurt, because he wouldn't know how I feel and things would be ok. The only down side to this idea is that he would have never kissed me... But I can't change what's happened...
I wasn't just mad at him you know? I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself because I felt hurt over nothing and because he should be a big deal. Nothing I say to him about my life bothers him. I mean he doesn't like it when I talk about sex, but it doesn't really bother him. It bothers me when he talks about db's. Not because I want to ever be db3... I don't. I wanna be the Rachel to his Batman. Without the dying part. I wanna be the Lois Lane to his Superman. The MJ to his Spiderman... You get the picture. But I'm not the leading lady, his cursory interest in me is superficial at best, but I was trying to play the role.
In order to get back to my Alfred role I've been giving him space. Not so much for him as for me. I'm giving him space so that I can remember to stay true to my role... Alfred. He could be my silver spring, but she's pretty... And she loves him and baby I don't wanna know.
You could be my silver spring...
Blue-green... colors flashin'
I would be your only dream.....
Your shinin' autumn... ocean crashin'...
Don't say that she's pretty...
and did you say that she loves you...?
Baby I don't wanna know.
So I'll begin not to love you...
Turn around, you'll see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago...
And tell myself you never loved me... No...
Don't say that she's pretty...
And did you say that she loves you...?
Baby, I don't wanna know... Oh no...
And can you tell me... was it worth it...?
Baby, I don't wanna know...
Time cast a spell on you... you won't forget me...
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me...
Time cast a spell on you... but you won't forget me...
(I was such a fool)
I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me...
(Give me one more chance)
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you...
(Haunt you)
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you
Monday, August 30, 2010
Conversations I've had with you in my head...
I've said all kinds of things to you in my head. I've had whole conversations with you. I've told you that you're not the man for me. I've told you I love you... I've told you that you'll never love me. In my head I have said things to you that I would never say to anyone. I don't know why I can't say these things to you in real life. I don't know what holds me back or what keeps me from being honest... Not that I lie to you, but I'm never fully honest. I am very skilled at giving you just enough to make you feel comfortable. Enough to make you think you know exactly what I'm thinking. I wish I had the courage to have the conversations with you that I have in my head.
One of the things that I would tell you, is that you're the kind of man that I want to marry, and if you really don't ever see yourself getting married, you can't be with me because I want to get married and have kids... If you don't then don't waste my time. Which is too much to ask from you right now. And I understand that. Its just I want that epic love story that transcends time and that might seem naive. I'm aware that it is a lot to expect from life, but it's what I'm aiming for. I don't see us having that. In part because in your mind, you've already had it and because in mine there is the chance that I never will.
It may be childish, it may be naive, but I want the fairy tale love story that makes my friends cry and causes my mother to want me to get married. I want the kind of love that last even after one of us dies. The kind when after one death the other just stops living due to broken-heartedness. The kind of love that produces children who respect people and want to make the world better than it is. The kind of love that last forever. I believe it is possible. I won't settle for less. I have before. I won't now. I'm 24 and while that may still be young, I'm not getting any younger, and I don't have time to waste my heart on bullshit.
I'm 24, a good number of my friends are engaged or married, and I don't have time to waste on you. Not that you are generally a wast of time, but you're a waste of my time and my heart. And while I would love you to prove me wrong, I know you won't. So, I'm going to keep searching the world over for my prince charming, for my happy ending, and while I may never find it, it's better to die searching for what you really want, than to live settling for what you don't.
That being said, you will tell me that I don't know these things to be true, and neither do you. You would tell me that you don't even know which way is up and which is down and to not give up... At least this is what you say in my head. It's not even really what I want to hear. It just what I think you would say but better... Anyway, who knows, maybe someday we'll talk about this and you'll tell me what I need to hear, whatever that may be, and I'll stop having conversations with you in my head because we'll start saying things in real life.
One of the things that I would tell you, is that you're the kind of man that I want to marry, and if you really don't ever see yourself getting married, you can't be with me because I want to get married and have kids... If you don't then don't waste my time. Which is too much to ask from you right now. And I understand that. Its just I want that epic love story that transcends time and that might seem naive. I'm aware that it is a lot to expect from life, but it's what I'm aiming for. I don't see us having that. In part because in your mind, you've already had it and because in mine there is the chance that I never will.
It may be childish, it may be naive, but I want the fairy tale love story that makes my friends cry and causes my mother to want me to get married. I want the kind of love that last even after one of us dies. The kind when after one death the other just stops living due to broken-heartedness. The kind of love that produces children who respect people and want to make the world better than it is. The kind of love that last forever. I believe it is possible. I won't settle for less. I have before. I won't now. I'm 24 and while that may still be young, I'm not getting any younger, and I don't have time to waste my heart on bullshit.
I'm 24, a good number of my friends are engaged or married, and I don't have time to waste on you. Not that you are generally a wast of time, but you're a waste of my time and my heart. And while I would love you to prove me wrong, I know you won't. So, I'm going to keep searching the world over for my prince charming, for my happy ending, and while I may never find it, it's better to die searching for what you really want, than to live settling for what you don't.
That being said, you will tell me that I don't know these things to be true, and neither do you. You would tell me that you don't even know which way is up and which is down and to not give up... At least this is what you say in my head. It's not even really what I want to hear. It just what I think you would say but better... Anyway, who knows, maybe someday we'll talk about this and you'll tell me what I need to hear, whatever that may be, and I'll stop having conversations with you in my head because we'll start saying things in real life.
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