Dear Randy

I was on the phone with you tonight before I called Jane. Sometimes when I talk to you, I feel like you think you're better than me and are too nice to say so... Its not that I think you really believe this deep down. It's just sometimes, your tone, your laugh, your ability to laugh off anything I say, your tendency to act as though what I say bears no weight... Sometimes, I wonder if you really do think as highly of me as you say you do... In fact, I don't think you do. I think you give me a lot of lip service... Not because you feel like you have to, but because I feel like you enjoy the reaction I give you. You enjoy our flirtation because I give you my heart without expectation of anything in return... But I am growing weary my dear... I am growing very weary. In fact, I don't know if you had noticed, but I stopped calling you for a bit... I didn't make an effort to talk at all for a bit... Because I was mad at you. I was disappointed in your behavior. You were taking advantage of the fact that I like you. Which is fun for you I'm sure... You didn't mean to, but you were enjoying it none-the-less.

In the last week I have started to see you for who you really are... Which isn't a bad person, but you are no longer the standard. I know better exists... I don't know why I thought you were the best I could do... What the fuck was I thinking. Last week I was so mad at you, that I almost decided not to talk to you until I got back... And if you get back with Savannah, I won't. "If we weren't such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead." I already see it coming. I already know you will. I already am thinking of ways to not miss you and I am already mad at you for doing this to me. For doing this to yourself. Because I will clean this HUGE mess when its over. I will get burned. I see this coming from a mile away. I am going to stop giving my heart to you... Because I'm running out of places to hide from you. I'm going to run out of ways to keep myself from getting hurt. I am tired my darling. Tired of this mess you have made. Tired of laying in the bed you made. I want you to be happy and stable and healthy. But I don't want to want for you that which you do not want for yourself. I can't make you choose what is best for you. I can just be there when you fall and tell myself that the next time you're on your own. I will tell myself this time and again and for some reason I will keep being there, because in my head I have to. But I just want you to know Randy. I want you to know, that I don't want to clean up your mess. I want you to not make it to begin with. I know that's asking alot. I know that's expecting too much... But I'm tired of wanting the best I know... I want the best there is. And that my love, is not you. Not by a long shot.

Fuck Was I...

Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.
I'm developing my sense of humor,
till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesnt get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love plows through me like a dozer,
I've got more give than a bale of hay,
and there's always a big mess left over.
What did you do?
What did you say?

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the special one that doesn't get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love tears me up like a demon.
Opens the wounds and fills them with lead,
and I'm having some trouble just breathing.
If we weren't such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead

Oh it's so embarrassing
I'm this awkward and uncomparable thing,
and I'm running out of places to hide

A Day of Fasting

I am visiting Amy's bible study tonight and before the bible study they are fasting, so I decided to fast too. I have never done a full fast before. I have done partial fasts at Lent. I do that every year. But giving up coffee is not the same as giving up food. I used to forget to eat in high school. I would not have time for lunch and then eat dinner with my fam. Tonight, we are going to break our fast. I am praying that my fast will teach me more about the God I try to serve. I hope that I will be able to serve him well.


I love yall!
Roxanna

In case you ever read this...

The reason why I am so pissed off at you right now, is because you're not thinking about my feelings. How your actions and words affect me is an after thought. I don't want to stress you out, I don't want to upset you, but I don't want you to think that you can say whatever you want when ever you want and it have no effect on me. If you know me as well as you say you do, you know that I think the only reason a man should have a woman tell him she loves him is if he wants to pursue her. THERE IS NO OTHER REASON! EVER! And I get it. You don't want to pursue anyone. You're not in a place and this is not the time, and I can't expect any more from you than what I'm getting... I don't expect any more from you than what I'm getting.

I don't want to stress you out, I don't want to upset you, I want us to be friends and be able to bullshit and laugh and quote Katt Williams. I don't want to make the friendship about my feelings for you and I don't want you to take me out of my comfort zone unless its a safe place and right now, I'm in a place where I'm bound to get hurt.

Because I'm a girl and I want the story, I do stupid things...

So, I got a bit excited about that boy coming back into my life. I have decided that I need to tone it down. I get so excited at the prospect of things that could happen, that I get lost in the possibility and forget to live in reality. I called him too much in the last few days. I will not be calling him for a while. It's better that way. I just liked him so much in high school. I like being the girl that got away. I like still being that. I just wanted something to surprise me and blow me away. I shouldn't have assumed that this would be it. I need to stay grounded. The story isn't always real. Sometimes the story is in my head. Even if I love the story, I can't live my life by it.


Love yall
R

Because I'm a girl and I want the story.

There was once a little girl, who dreamed of a white knight on his gallant steed waiting to ride up and sweep her off her feet. When she used to play with her dolls, she would have the boy doll ride on a horse and reproduce this. She wanted to be a princess. She wasn't even a girly girl. She played in the dirt with her teenage mutant ninja turtles, but she desperately wanted to be someone's princess. When she was 16, she met a boy, who thought she was a princess. He let her know him. He was a guarded knight. He hid his armor but wore it well and he knew that while he wanted to sweep her off her feet, he had to slay some pretty large dragons first. So, he let the girl be content with the fool she thought she was in love with. All the while, the knight was slaying dragons and protecting other maidens from evil doers. After some time, the knight forgot about his princess. The girl however, became tired of the fool, and waited for the knight to come back... He did not.

5 years later, after trying to kiss frogs and cast spells, the girl looked into the magic book of faces and found the knight. He was living outside her kingdom and was on his way to become a lord. She was nervous about contacting him. It was not common for girls to contact knights after all. Maidens are saved because knights find them, not because they ask to be. So the girl took the chance. She sent a message to the knight hoping that he would respond.

The knight meanwhile had been in his castle, with his maiden love enjoying his life without thought of the girl. Suddenly a message arrived and he saw her seal. It had been a long time since he last saw her seal. He opened the message. "I hope you do not hate me" he could see where her pen had been shaking, "I hope we can be friends again". He smiled as he read her name. He hadn't thought of her in some time, and now there she was, sending him a letter after years of not even a word.

The knight wrote her back, assuring her that he did not wish any ill will toward her and that in fact he was overjoyed at her attempt to make contact, and this, dear reader, is how the correspondence began. They began to send letters, waiting for the other's response. The knight wanted to see the girl again. She was however, in a kingdom that was far away on the other side of a giant pond. The pond was more like an ocean than a pond, and while the distance was great they began to remember the closeness that they had once shared.

The girl began to know the knight again, and he began to know her. The girl began to remember what it was like to be a princess. She began to remember what it felt like to be known and in an instant she began to feel fear creep through her breast. She was afraid of the closeness. She was afraid that the knight who could slay dragons and save princesses would again leave for greener pastures. The knight, in knight fashion, reminded the girl that best friends stay even when it is not comfortable. And that they were indeed the best of friends. The kind that are known.
The girl secretly, well, not so secretly, wished for the knight to see her as a princess. She wished that he would become the knight she had wished for as a child. She wished and waited and hoped. She is still in her kingdom, and he is still in his. There is a great distance that separates them, but there is a closeness that keeps them from being apart.

Music

It's amazing how you can fall in love with a song all over again years after you first heard it. This happened last night. I was listening to Stevie Nicks song Silver Springs on repeat for a good hour and it spoke to my heart. I'm not a good writer, I'm not very good at expressing myself, but when I listen to music, I hear my thoughts. Last night I found Silver Springs again. I had first heard this song when I was really small, maybe 4 or 5. My mom listened to nothing be classic rock when I was younger and so, I grew up with a love for Fleetwood Mac, Queen, Clapton, and the Eagles. When I hear songs from these artists, I am 6 again, singing in the car at the top of my lunges.

When I was 11, I sang in a wedding. I hated the song I had to sing, and I didn't want to sing the song I sang, but I loved singing. The teacher that asked me to sing in his wedding had taught me a Minnie Riperton song and I practiced singing it in his classroom. I sang "My Heart Will Go On" for his wedding... I still hate that song, but I still love "Memory Lane". Minnie had soul. I wanted to sing with that same kind of soul. Maybe when I was 14 I did... Maybe I still can. I've stopped singing. I sang for another wedding a couple of years ago. It was fun. I missed singing. Wait, scratch that, I miss singing. I sing all the time, but I miss choir, and weddings, and competition... I miss having music be the center of my life. When I get back to Vienna I'm going to join a choir. I need music to become the focus. I've been losing myself lately. I've been finding my worth and value in the men I date and in the people I make proud... I need to find value in myself and it needs to come from me.

I'm going to sing today at the top of my lunges and I don't really care who hears it. :)

Love yall!

Giving You Space

sms (R): Are you dead?
(Me): What do you mean am I dead?
(R): I haven't heard from you in days... I thought you might be mad at me or you died.
(Me): Were you worried sweetpea?
(R): A bit.
(Me): Aw that's sweet. I was being less available to you... I felt like I had been trying too hard to talk to you, so I was taking a break.
(R): Can you call?
(Me): Now?
(R): Yeah...

So of course I called... And we talked... For over an hour we spoke on the phone and the dynamic has changed between us. It's not the same. Part of this is because I forget I'm not his girlfriend and I have no claim on him. I know this sounds stupid. I mean, there is no reason why I should feel like I have any right to stake claim and I have no right to be jealous of any woman he may have in his life and yet, because I feel jealous, invisible, and for some reason jilted, I've complicated what was once the perfect friendship... I mean, he didn't help things, but if I had just kept my mouth shut, we would be able to talk about stuff and I wouldn't feel hurt, because he wouldn't know how I feel and things would be ok. The only down side to this idea is that he would have never kissed me... But I can't change what's happened...

I wasn't just mad at him you know? I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself because I felt hurt over nothing and because he should be a big deal. Nothing I say to him about my life bothers him. I mean he doesn't like it when I talk about sex, but it doesn't really bother him. It bothers me when he talks about db's. Not because I want to ever be db3... I don't. I wanna be the Rachel to his Batman. Without the dying part. I wanna be the Lois Lane to his Superman. The MJ to his Spiderman... You get the picture. But I'm not the leading lady, his cursory interest in me is superficial at best, but I was trying to play the role.
In order to get back to my Alfred role I've been giving him space. Not so much for him as for me. I'm giving him space so that I can remember to stay true to my role... Alfred. He could be my silver spring, but she's pretty... And she loves him and baby I don't wanna know.



You could be my silver spring...
Blue-green... colors flashin'
I would be your only dream.....
Your shinin' autumn... ocean crashin'...
Don't say that she's pretty...
and did you say that she loves you...?
Baby I don't wanna know.

So I'll begin not to love you...
Turn around, you'll see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago...
And tell myself you never loved me... No...
Don't say that she's pretty...
And did you say that she loves you...?
Baby, I don't wanna know... Oh no...
And can you tell me... was it worth it...?
Baby, I don't wanna know...

Time cast a spell on you... you won't forget me...
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me...

Time cast a spell on you... but you won't forget me...
(I was such a fool)
I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me...
(Give me one more chance)
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you...
(Haunt you)
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you