Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself
It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out
She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins
It wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out
She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out
If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time
This looks like the real thing, it tastes like the real thing... I am really hoping this is the real thing. He's awesome! I'm going to be spending the next 2 weekends with him... We'll see how this goes. I just really want something to go well for me. I'm ready for something to work out.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Some Days
“So no of course we can’t be friends, not while I still feel like this, I want to ask where I went wrong, but don’t say anything at all…
It took a cup of coffee, to prove that you don’t love me.”
Some days, something hits you, and you know it is something that is for the best. In fact, you know that it is the way things are meant to work out and it is the sort of thing that you realize is exactly what you needed to happen… Nevertheless, it leaves you with a yearning in your stomach and an ache in your heart. It guts you and leaves you gasping for air. That happened this morning. For those of you, who already know who I am writing about, and are angry that I am writing yet another blog (even though I said the other one was the last one) about Nick, I need to get this out there.
I called Nick today. He said that he was driving back from Cleveland TN. Now, of course because this is forever away I asked what he was doing there. He told me not to worry about it. Now, I know Nick… For all of his flaws, being a liar is not one of them… He was telling me without telling me. He was there with a girl. Don’t get me wrong; I knew this day would come. I have been with other guys since Nick… Nick certainly isn’t the last man standing… However, I had always hoped that he would never move on. That I could hop in and out of his life and still be the only woman. This of course is totally selfish. Why shouldn’t he move on? Why should he not date? I am after all his ex-girlfriend… I have no claim on him. I have no right, no reason, to feel jealous and hurt.
I used to call him and tell him about the men I was seeing. I did this to make him jealous, for no other reason, believe me. I told him about how great they were, how kind, how funny, how they were so much better than he was. I did this, knowing that it had to hurt him, if only a bit. He, on the other hand, did not talk about her, barely mentioned her name, did not tell me how much better she is than me… He simply says, don’t worry about it. Because he knows that I am consumed with questions, feeling terrible and feeling hurt. He knows all this because he knows me. I am sure he knows that he could have lied, but he has only lied to me once in our whole friendship. I am telling myself, that I am in Austria, and that he is in America, and insignificant. I am telling myself, that I should not care. I am telling myself that it was going to eventually happen, that this is really for the best and I need to move on, and I have no right to feel the way I do… I am telling myself this, all the while, feeling a longing, a yearning in my stomach and a dull ache in my heart. I am telling myself this, while feeling gutted. I have no reason to feel hurt, no reason, to feel jealous, no reason to care at all. Yet, I have never felt a greater sense of the end with us. It really is over. He is moving on… I will too… However, I still love him. Despite his flaws.
He has a girlfriend… And he’s happy… This shouldn’t make me feel so shitty… I should be happy for him. He didn’t lie. He told me the truth… And he’s happy… Isn’t that what matters? What matters is that he’s happy right? I should be happy for him right? I mean this day would have to come eventually. I knew that someday he would move on… I just hoped… I just wanted… I guess I just wanted to believe that it never would. I guess I just wanted to believe that he would always be mine. But he’s not.
Why do I care? I’m in Europe, doing amazing things… Living a life that his girlfriend who probably only went to CC will never ever live. I am doing more with my life than any Cleveland TN girl could ever dream of doing. I am smarter than this girl, doing more with my life than this Laura girl; I am better than this girl.
He may be happy, but he’s happy with a girl who won’t want more with her life. He’s happy with a girl who thinks that a job at Ruby Tuesdays is a good job. He’s happy with a girl who has no idea what Europe looks like, how to speak another language, wants to live in TN all her life and never go anywhere important. He will be happy with a girl who is no where near as good as me, as cool as me, as smart as me, as funny as me… His new love will not be me. She will not love him as much as I do, she will not understand him like I do… She will not be me. She will be a second rate, less than as wonderful, not me.
I will marry a man who is amazing. He will be a man of God. He will love me with all of his heart. He will not be like Nick. He will be honest, he will be loving. He won’t settle for some girl from Cleveland TN… He will be better than that.
It took a cup of coffee, to prove that you don’t love me.”
Some days, something hits you, and you know it is something that is for the best. In fact, you know that it is the way things are meant to work out and it is the sort of thing that you realize is exactly what you needed to happen… Nevertheless, it leaves you with a yearning in your stomach and an ache in your heart. It guts you and leaves you gasping for air. That happened this morning. For those of you, who already know who I am writing about, and are angry that I am writing yet another blog (even though I said the other one was the last one) about Nick, I need to get this out there.
I called Nick today. He said that he was driving back from Cleveland TN. Now, of course because this is forever away I asked what he was doing there. He told me not to worry about it. Now, I know Nick… For all of his flaws, being a liar is not one of them… He was telling me without telling me. He was there with a girl. Don’t get me wrong; I knew this day would come. I have been with other guys since Nick… Nick certainly isn’t the last man standing… However, I had always hoped that he would never move on. That I could hop in and out of his life and still be the only woman. This of course is totally selfish. Why shouldn’t he move on? Why should he not date? I am after all his ex-girlfriend… I have no claim on him. I have no right, no reason, to feel jealous and hurt.
I used to call him and tell him about the men I was seeing. I did this to make him jealous, for no other reason, believe me. I told him about how great they were, how kind, how funny, how they were so much better than he was. I did this, knowing that it had to hurt him, if only a bit. He, on the other hand, did not talk about her, barely mentioned her name, did not tell me how much better she is than me… He simply says, don’t worry about it. Because he knows that I am consumed with questions, feeling terrible and feeling hurt. He knows all this because he knows me. I am sure he knows that he could have lied, but he has only lied to me once in our whole friendship. I am telling myself, that I am in Austria, and that he is in America, and insignificant. I am telling myself, that I should not care. I am telling myself that it was going to eventually happen, that this is really for the best and I need to move on, and I have no right to feel the way I do… I am telling myself this, all the while, feeling a longing, a yearning in my stomach and a dull ache in my heart. I am telling myself this, while feeling gutted. I have no reason to feel hurt, no reason, to feel jealous, no reason to care at all. Yet, I have never felt a greater sense of the end with us. It really is over. He is moving on… I will too… However, I still love him. Despite his flaws.
He has a girlfriend… And he’s happy… This shouldn’t make me feel so shitty… I should be happy for him. He didn’t lie. He told me the truth… And he’s happy… Isn’t that what matters? What matters is that he’s happy right? I should be happy for him right? I mean this day would have to come eventually. I knew that someday he would move on… I just hoped… I just wanted… I guess I just wanted to believe that it never would. I guess I just wanted to believe that he would always be mine. But he’s not.
Why do I care? I’m in Europe, doing amazing things… Living a life that his girlfriend who probably only went to CC will never ever live. I am doing more with my life than any Cleveland TN girl could ever dream of doing. I am smarter than this girl, doing more with my life than this Laura girl; I am better than this girl.
He may be happy, but he’s happy with a girl who won’t want more with her life. He’s happy with a girl who thinks that a job at Ruby Tuesdays is a good job. He’s happy with a girl who has no idea what Europe looks like, how to speak another language, wants to live in TN all her life and never go anywhere important. He will be happy with a girl who is no where near as good as me, as cool as me, as smart as me, as funny as me… His new love will not be me. She will not love him as much as I do, she will not understand him like I do… She will not be me. She will be a second rate, less than as wonderful, not me.
I will marry a man who is amazing. He will be a man of God. He will love me with all of his heart. He will not be like Nick. He will be honest, he will be loving. He won’t settle for some girl from Cleveland TN… He will be better than that.
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