Sobbing

I just finished watching Toy Story 3. The last 10 min of the movie I sobbed. I'm not talking a few tears and maybe I sigh, I mean I sobbed like a baby. I cried for a million reasons, only one of which being how sweet the movie was... I cried because my heart has been so heavy lately. I've had so much on my mind... The truth about everything in my life right now, is that I'm tired. I am so tired. I've been fighting myself, trying to hide, and I am tired of it... I'm tired and I'm done.

People play games with you, some not realizing that they are and they expect you to not take it personally. If you're playing games with my head, of course I'm going to take it personally... There's this person in my life... This person claims to know me. This person claims that I am an open book, completely easy to understand. This may be true. I am not hard to figure out, mostly because I do not try to hide who I am. If you feel you have figured out some aspects of who I am, congrats, you have a brain. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't try to have a poker face, and I don't try to mislead people. I say what I think, I act in a way that represents me, and I am not afraid to be real. This person has been playing games with me. I had some pretty strong feelings for this person too... I really liked this person and could have easily seen myself falling for this person. I no longer think this way.

I value tradition. I sometimes wish we lived in the 50's when men and woman had certain roles when interacting with each other. A man would never ask a woman if she loved him unless he loved her in return. A man did not have "feelings" talks with women other than the one he was with, and this was out of respect for his partner, the other woman, and himself. A man that truly respects himself has boundaries and respects other people's boundaries. I value old fashioned ways of living. I wish I had clearer boundaries. I should have had clearer boundaries with this person. I assumed that it was clear that the conversations we were having were ones I didn't want to have. I assumed that it was clear that to me unless he was pursuing me, he shouldn't be trying to get me to talk about my feelings... I assumed this because this person claimed to know me. If he knew me, we would have never had these conversations to begin with.

I am learning to value my own time. I am learning that my worth comes from something other than people, and that I cannot waste time or my heart on people who are not going to honor it. I cannot waste my heart on someone who will not guard it. Yes, I want my friends, my boy friends, the people in my life to guard my heart. I know this sounds ultra Christian and may sound too baptist for some of you, but its how I feel... Guard my heart! Respect my time. Both are worth more to me than any friendship.

I am not a dumb bitch!

Tonight was the sort of night where I almost ended a friendship. Now, people who know me know that I generally do not end friendships. I hang on to them way to long and then wait for them to fizzle out on their own. I hate ending friendships because it makes me feel like I failed. Tonight, I almost said fuck it and ended it anyway...

In the past few months, I have been treated like a dumb bitch. Which is ironic, because I have been calling your exs dumb bitches since the beginning of the relationships themselves. I have this much to say about this matter...

If you insist on throwing my feelings in my face, and making me feel stupid, I will insist on no longer allowing you to enjoy my friendship. I am NOT a dumb bitch and I refuse to be treated like one.

The things I have been saying over and over again...

Dear Randy:

I do not lie to you. I don't tell you anything that is not true... I do not tell you things that I do not believe, I do not tell you things that are not the case, and I most certainly do not outright lie. I am not a liar. Please don't make it seem like I am. If anything, I have a hard time not telling you things. I have a hard time not having a filter with you. In fact, when I try, all you have to do is ask and I tell you. I am not deceitful, on the contrary, I am as open with you as I can be with anyone. I am guarded, and I am this way for a reason. I have a hard time trusting, and this is for a reason. If I show you anymore of myself than I do to most people, it is because I feel as though you are trust worthy. Please don't do things to make me re-consider this.

If you know how I feel, and you know that I take you seriously as a prospect, why would you ask me about another woman? If you honestly think that I am in love with you, why would you put me in this situation? Why would you hurt me like that? Why would you hurt one of your best friends like that? If you know that acting like I don't care is my way to deal with knowing that you don't want me, why would you push it? The only reasons I can think of that you would want to know how I feel is if you didn't feel the same way or you actually did have feelings for me and wanted to pursue it, or you are evil, or you are stupid... I don't think you are evil. I also don't think you are stupid. So either you need to grow some balls and tell me that you have changed your mind and do not have feelings for me anymore OR you need to quick dicking around and let me know that there may be a future because I can't do this back and forth thing. I can't tell you how I feel one day and then act like nothing was ever said. I can't tell you that I want to be with you one day and then give you advice on things with your gf the next. I either need to have it made clear to me that I'm just in the friend zone, or I'm not. Its not complicated, its not difficult, its not convoluted, it is what it is... Plain and simple.
Please guard my heart in this. Please stop reminding me how I feel if you do not reciprocate. Please do not try to make our friendship about the fact that I have feelings for you, and please allow me to be your friend the best way I know how, even if it is in a way that you do not feel is honest. I will never mislead you... But you know where I stand. I don't need to constantly tell you that I want you to not be with her. I don't need to tell you that I wish it were me.... You should know that by now. We shouldn't have to keep going in circles... I'm trying to be the best friend to you that I can be...
What I really want to know is why you expect me to tell you my heart if you feel like its being wasted on you? Why do you keep wanting to hear me tell you about my feelings if we both its not going anywhere. You're not going to pursue me, and I'm in no place to be with anyone so what is your angel? What do you want from me? What are you trying prove? If your goal was just to remind me that I'm human and that I have feelings and I am capable of loving another human being you've succeeded. If you were trying to remind me that I am indeed a girl, well done, I admit it now, can we move on? If loving you is the roadblock in our friendship, then why is it bad that I pretend I do not? I just want to know your intentions... That's not too much to ask for is it?


R