Its been a long ass time...

SO I've been home for about 2 months now... Much has happened and I need a place to write, so I'm going to do it here in hopes that no one actually reads it. Ok first thing's first...

I have been talking to this guy friend of mine... A guy that I am crazy about and sometimes I wonder if the universe has it in for me... He's perfect. He is just my friend, and he opens car doors for me, says sweet things, and when he kissed me the world stopped for a second. This guy recently got divorced or rather is in the process.... Are you noticing a pattern? I am! What is it with me and divorced men!
I was facestalking his soon to be ex-wife. On her facebook there are old wedding pictures, they had been married for 3 years, and I was looking at them. I wanted to cry. It was painful seeing them. Partially because she's a dumb bitch and I hate her and he's such a good guy and could do so much better, but also, because I really wanted him. I liked him when they got married. I liked him about right after Robbie and I broke up. I liked him when his mom died and he called me on the phone from Denver crying... I liked him when he told me they were getting back together, and I liked him when I told him it was a bad idea and she would break his heart. I liked him when they were married and he told me they were having problems, and I liked him when I told one of my best friends that eventually they would break up and I would jump on the opportunity if it came up... I liked him when he called me upset because she left him, and I liked him when he called me everyday for a month because he needed someone to talk to... I liked him when I drove 4.5 hours to see him just so that he would kiss me, using my interview as an excuse and I liked him when he did and he took my breath away. And I like him now. In fact, he is exactly what I want and now is not the right time. He is not ready. But I want him anyway. If I thought there was a way for me to win him over I would. I want him exactly as he is. Fucked up and all.

Even in the state that he is in he is still the most amazing guy in the world. Even with all of the hurt and confusion he is feeling he still takes the cake. I want this guy. I could see a future with this guy... He doesn't know what he wants. How could he? He just found out about a month ago that his wife was leaving him... He had a wife. A woman that he promised to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better or for worse... He promised to love her as long as they both lived forsaking all others. How can I compete with that? How can I compete with marriage vows? I can't. He thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. I can't compete with the rest of his life... So even though he likes me, and even though he kissed me, and even though he says "Fuck her, I'm done!" I know and he knows and God knows that he's not done. He may not be waiting by the phone for her call... But he's still hoping deep down that she will, because when he said as long as we both shall live.... He meant it.



Oh and his ex-wife also hates me, mostly because I was his friend and took his side when she left him in high school, and when I face stalked her today I saw this comment that I knew was about me. She hadn't posted it... But it doesn't matter. She's not a fan. I'm not a fan of her. The good news is, my life is so much better than her life could ever be. That and she has lost the most amazing guy in the world. That and her husband, well her soon to be ex husband, has kissed me. Oh and I've seen a good bit of the world, and I have lived in multiple countries, and I can have kids and she can't... (I'm ranting btw) I guess what it all boils down to, is that I was jealous of her having him but my life is better than her life will ever be. She is not even 23 yet, she's getting divorced, she can't have children, even though it was her dream, and she will never be happy. I would feel bad for her, if it weren't her own doing. I know meanness isn't a pretty color on me, but this girl is my least favorite person in the world right now...