Music

It's amazing how you can fall in love with a song all over again years after you first heard it. This happened last night. I was listening to Stevie Nicks song Silver Springs on repeat for a good hour and it spoke to my heart. I'm not a good writer, I'm not very good at expressing myself, but when I listen to music, I hear my thoughts. Last night I found Silver Springs again. I had first heard this song when I was really small, maybe 4 or 5. My mom listened to nothing be classic rock when I was younger and so, I grew up with a love for Fleetwood Mac, Queen, Clapton, and the Eagles. When I hear songs from these artists, I am 6 again, singing in the car at the top of my lunges.

When I was 11, I sang in a wedding. I hated the song I had to sing, and I didn't want to sing the song I sang, but I loved singing. The teacher that asked me to sing in his wedding had taught me a Minnie Riperton song and I practiced singing it in his classroom. I sang "My Heart Will Go On" for his wedding... I still hate that song, but I still love "Memory Lane". Minnie had soul. I wanted to sing with that same kind of soul. Maybe when I was 14 I did... Maybe I still can. I've stopped singing. I sang for another wedding a couple of years ago. It was fun. I missed singing. Wait, scratch that, I miss singing. I sing all the time, but I miss choir, and weddings, and competition... I miss having music be the center of my life. When I get back to Vienna I'm going to join a choir. I need music to become the focus. I've been losing myself lately. I've been finding my worth and value in the men I date and in the people I make proud... I need to find value in myself and it needs to come from me.

I'm going to sing today at the top of my lunges and I don't really care who hears it. :)

Love yall!

Giving You Space

sms (R): Are you dead?
(Me): What do you mean am I dead?
(R): I haven't heard from you in days... I thought you might be mad at me or you died.
(Me): Were you worried sweetpea?
(R): A bit.
(Me): Aw that's sweet. I was being less available to you... I felt like I had been trying too hard to talk to you, so I was taking a break.
(R): Can you call?
(Me): Now?
(R): Yeah...

So of course I called... And we talked... For over an hour we spoke on the phone and the dynamic has changed between us. It's not the same. Part of this is because I forget I'm not his girlfriend and I have no claim on him. I know this sounds stupid. I mean, there is no reason why I should feel like I have any right to stake claim and I have no right to be jealous of any woman he may have in his life and yet, because I feel jealous, invisible, and for some reason jilted, I've complicated what was once the perfect friendship... I mean, he didn't help things, but if I had just kept my mouth shut, we would be able to talk about stuff and I wouldn't feel hurt, because he wouldn't know how I feel and things would be ok. The only down side to this idea is that he would have never kissed me... But I can't change what's happened...

I wasn't just mad at him you know? I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself because I felt hurt over nothing and because he should be a big deal. Nothing I say to him about my life bothers him. I mean he doesn't like it when I talk about sex, but it doesn't really bother him. It bothers me when he talks about db's. Not because I want to ever be db3... I don't. I wanna be the Rachel to his Batman. Without the dying part. I wanna be the Lois Lane to his Superman. The MJ to his Spiderman... You get the picture. But I'm not the leading lady, his cursory interest in me is superficial at best, but I was trying to play the role.
In order to get back to my Alfred role I've been giving him space. Not so much for him as for me. I'm giving him space so that I can remember to stay true to my role... Alfred. He could be my silver spring, but she's pretty... And she loves him and baby I don't wanna know.



You could be my silver spring...
Blue-green... colors flashin'
I would be your only dream.....
Your shinin' autumn... ocean crashin'...
Don't say that she's pretty...
and did you say that she loves you...?
Baby I don't wanna know.

So I'll begin not to love you...
Turn around, you'll see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago...
And tell myself you never loved me... No...
Don't say that she's pretty...
And did you say that she loves you...?
Baby, I don't wanna know... Oh no...
And can you tell me... was it worth it...?
Baby, I don't wanna know...

Time cast a spell on you... you won't forget me...
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me...

Time cast a spell on you... but you won't forget me...
(I was such a fool)
I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me...
(Give me one more chance)
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you...
(Haunt you)
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you