I have decided that God has gifted me with singleness for now and I should rejoice in it.
I am applying for Grad school... Pray I get in.
I am now in Berlin till New Year.
My Uncle died 2 weeks ago and I am still morning his loss.
God is good.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Sobbing
I just finished watching Toy Story 3. The last 10 min of the movie I sobbed. I'm not talking a few tears and maybe I sigh, I mean I sobbed like a baby. I cried for a million reasons, only one of which being how sweet the movie was... I cried because my heart has been so heavy lately. I've had so much on my mind... The truth about everything in my life right now, is that I'm tired. I am so tired. I've been fighting myself, trying to hide, and I am tired of it... I'm tired and I'm done.
People play games with you, some not realizing that they are and they expect you to not take it personally. If you're playing games with my head, of course I'm going to take it personally... There's this person in my life... This person claims to know me. This person claims that I am an open book, completely easy to understand. This may be true. I am not hard to figure out, mostly because I do not try to hide who I am. If you feel you have figured out some aspects of who I am, congrats, you have a brain. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't try to have a poker face, and I don't try to mislead people. I say what I think, I act in a way that represents me, and I am not afraid to be real. This person has been playing games with me. I had some pretty strong feelings for this person too... I really liked this person and could have easily seen myself falling for this person. I no longer think this way.
I value tradition. I sometimes wish we lived in the 50's when men and woman had certain roles when interacting with each other. A man would never ask a woman if she loved him unless he loved her in return. A man did not have "feelings" talks with women other than the one he was with, and this was out of respect for his partner, the other woman, and himself. A man that truly respects himself has boundaries and respects other people's boundaries. I value old fashioned ways of living. I wish I had clearer boundaries. I should have had clearer boundaries with this person. I assumed that it was clear that the conversations we were having were ones I didn't want to have. I assumed that it was clear that to me unless he was pursuing me, he shouldn't be trying to get me to talk about my feelings... I assumed this because this person claimed to know me. If he knew me, we would have never had these conversations to begin with.
I am learning to value my own time. I am learning that my worth comes from something other than people, and that I cannot waste time or my heart on people who are not going to honor it. I cannot waste my heart on someone who will not guard it. Yes, I want my friends, my boy friends, the people in my life to guard my heart. I know this sounds ultra Christian and may sound too baptist for some of you, but its how I feel... Guard my heart! Respect my time. Both are worth more to me than any friendship.
People play games with you, some not realizing that they are and they expect you to not take it personally. If you're playing games with my head, of course I'm going to take it personally... There's this person in my life... This person claims to know me. This person claims that I am an open book, completely easy to understand. This may be true. I am not hard to figure out, mostly because I do not try to hide who I am. If you feel you have figured out some aspects of who I am, congrats, you have a brain. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't try to have a poker face, and I don't try to mislead people. I say what I think, I act in a way that represents me, and I am not afraid to be real. This person has been playing games with me. I had some pretty strong feelings for this person too... I really liked this person and could have easily seen myself falling for this person. I no longer think this way.
I value tradition. I sometimes wish we lived in the 50's when men and woman had certain roles when interacting with each other. A man would never ask a woman if she loved him unless he loved her in return. A man did not have "feelings" talks with women other than the one he was with, and this was out of respect for his partner, the other woman, and himself. A man that truly respects himself has boundaries and respects other people's boundaries. I value old fashioned ways of living. I wish I had clearer boundaries. I should have had clearer boundaries with this person. I assumed that it was clear that the conversations we were having were ones I didn't want to have. I assumed that it was clear that to me unless he was pursuing me, he shouldn't be trying to get me to talk about my feelings... I assumed this because this person claimed to know me. If he knew me, we would have never had these conversations to begin with.
I am learning to value my own time. I am learning that my worth comes from something other than people, and that I cannot waste time or my heart on people who are not going to honor it. I cannot waste my heart on someone who will not guard it. Yes, I want my friends, my boy friends, the people in my life to guard my heart. I know this sounds ultra Christian and may sound too baptist for some of you, but its how I feel... Guard my heart! Respect my time. Both are worth more to me than any friendship.
Monday, November 1, 2010
I am not a dumb bitch!
Tonight was the sort of night where I almost ended a friendship. Now, people who know me know that I generally do not end friendships. I hang on to them way to long and then wait for them to fizzle out on their own. I hate ending friendships because it makes me feel like I failed. Tonight, I almost said fuck it and ended it anyway...
In the past few months, I have been treated like a dumb bitch. Which is ironic, because I have been calling your exs dumb bitches since the beginning of the relationships themselves. I have this much to say about this matter...
If you insist on throwing my feelings in my face, and making me feel stupid, I will insist on no longer allowing you to enjoy my friendship. I am NOT a dumb bitch and I refuse to be treated like one.
In the past few months, I have been treated like a dumb bitch. Which is ironic, because I have been calling your exs dumb bitches since the beginning of the relationships themselves. I have this much to say about this matter...
If you insist on throwing my feelings in my face, and making me feel stupid, I will insist on no longer allowing you to enjoy my friendship. I am NOT a dumb bitch and I refuse to be treated like one.
The things I have been saying over and over again...
Dear Randy:
I do not lie to you. I don't tell you anything that is not true... I do not tell you things that I do not believe, I do not tell you things that are not the case, and I most certainly do not outright lie. I am not a liar. Please don't make it seem like I am. If anything, I have a hard time not telling you things. I have a hard time not having a filter with you. In fact, when I try, all you have to do is ask and I tell you. I am not deceitful, on the contrary, I am as open with you as I can be with anyone. I am guarded, and I am this way for a reason. I have a hard time trusting, and this is for a reason. If I show you anymore of myself than I do to most people, it is because I feel as though you are trust worthy. Please don't do things to make me re-consider this.
If you know how I feel, and you know that I take you seriously as a prospect, why would you ask me about another woman? If you honestly think that I am in love with you, why would you put me in this situation? Why would you hurt me like that? Why would you hurt one of your best friends like that? If you know that acting like I don't care is my way to deal with knowing that you don't want me, why would you push it? The only reasons I can think of that you would want to know how I feel is if you didn't feel the same way or you actually did have feelings for me and wanted to pursue it, or you are evil, or you are stupid... I don't think you are evil. I also don't think you are stupid. So either you need to grow some balls and tell me that you have changed your mind and do not have feelings for me anymore OR you need to quick dicking around and let me know that there may be a future because I can't do this back and forth thing. I can't tell you how I feel one day and then act like nothing was ever said. I can't tell you that I want to be with you one day and then give you advice on things with your gf the next. I either need to have it made clear to me that I'm just in the friend zone, or I'm not. Its not complicated, its not difficult, its not convoluted, it is what it is... Plain and simple.
Please guard my heart in this. Please stop reminding me how I feel if you do not reciprocate. Please do not try to make our friendship about the fact that I have feelings for you, and please allow me to be your friend the best way I know how, even if it is in a way that you do not feel is honest. I will never mislead you... But you know where I stand. I don't need to constantly tell you that I want you to not be with her. I don't need to tell you that I wish it were me.... You should know that by now. We shouldn't have to keep going in circles... I'm trying to be the best friend to you that I can be...
What I really want to know is why you expect me to tell you my heart if you feel like its being wasted on you? Why do you keep wanting to hear me tell you about my feelings if we both its not going anywhere. You're not going to pursue me, and I'm in no place to be with anyone so what is your angel? What do you want from me? What are you trying prove? If your goal was just to remind me that I'm human and that I have feelings and I am capable of loving another human being you've succeeded. If you were trying to remind me that I am indeed a girl, well done, I admit it now, can we move on? If loving you is the roadblock in our friendship, then why is it bad that I pretend I do not? I just want to know your intentions... That's not too much to ask for is it?
R
I do not lie to you. I don't tell you anything that is not true... I do not tell you things that I do not believe, I do not tell you things that are not the case, and I most certainly do not outright lie. I am not a liar. Please don't make it seem like I am. If anything, I have a hard time not telling you things. I have a hard time not having a filter with you. In fact, when I try, all you have to do is ask and I tell you. I am not deceitful, on the contrary, I am as open with you as I can be with anyone. I am guarded, and I am this way for a reason. I have a hard time trusting, and this is for a reason. If I show you anymore of myself than I do to most people, it is because I feel as though you are trust worthy. Please don't do things to make me re-consider this.
If you know how I feel, and you know that I take you seriously as a prospect, why would you ask me about another woman? If you honestly think that I am in love with you, why would you put me in this situation? Why would you hurt me like that? Why would you hurt one of your best friends like that? If you know that acting like I don't care is my way to deal with knowing that you don't want me, why would you push it? The only reasons I can think of that you would want to know how I feel is if you didn't feel the same way or you actually did have feelings for me and wanted to pursue it, or you are evil, or you are stupid... I don't think you are evil. I also don't think you are stupid. So either you need to grow some balls and tell me that you have changed your mind and do not have feelings for me anymore OR you need to quick dicking around and let me know that there may be a future because I can't do this back and forth thing. I can't tell you how I feel one day and then act like nothing was ever said. I can't tell you that I want to be with you one day and then give you advice on things with your gf the next. I either need to have it made clear to me that I'm just in the friend zone, or I'm not. Its not complicated, its not difficult, its not convoluted, it is what it is... Plain and simple.
Please guard my heart in this. Please stop reminding me how I feel if you do not reciprocate. Please do not try to make our friendship about the fact that I have feelings for you, and please allow me to be your friend the best way I know how, even if it is in a way that you do not feel is honest. I will never mislead you... But you know where I stand. I don't need to constantly tell you that I want you to not be with her. I don't need to tell you that I wish it were me.... You should know that by now. We shouldn't have to keep going in circles... I'm trying to be the best friend to you that I can be...
What I really want to know is why you expect me to tell you my heart if you feel like its being wasted on you? Why do you keep wanting to hear me tell you about my feelings if we both its not going anywhere. You're not going to pursue me, and I'm in no place to be with anyone so what is your angel? What do you want from me? What are you trying prove? If your goal was just to remind me that I'm human and that I have feelings and I am capable of loving another human being you've succeeded. If you were trying to remind me that I am indeed a girl, well done, I admit it now, can we move on? If loving you is the roadblock in our friendship, then why is it bad that I pretend I do not? I just want to know your intentions... That's not too much to ask for is it?
R
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Dear Randy
I was on the phone with you tonight before I called Jane. Sometimes when I talk to you, I feel like you think you're better than me and are too nice to say so... Its not that I think you really believe this deep down. It's just sometimes, your tone, your laugh, your ability to laugh off anything I say, your tendency to act as though what I say bears no weight... Sometimes, I wonder if you really do think as highly of me as you say you do... In fact, I don't think you do. I think you give me a lot of lip service... Not because you feel like you have to, but because I feel like you enjoy the reaction I give you. You enjoy our flirtation because I give you my heart without expectation of anything in return... But I am growing weary my dear... I am growing very weary. In fact, I don't know if you had noticed, but I stopped calling you for a bit... I didn't make an effort to talk at all for a bit... Because I was mad at you. I was disappointed in your behavior. You were taking advantage of the fact that I like you. Which is fun for you I'm sure... You didn't mean to, but you were enjoying it none-the-less.
In the last week I have started to see you for who you really are... Which isn't a bad person, but you are no longer the standard. I know better exists... I don't know why I thought you were the best I could do... What the fuck was I thinking. Last week I was so mad at you, that I almost decided not to talk to you until I got back... And if you get back with Savannah, I won't. "If we weren't such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead." I already see it coming. I already know you will. I already am thinking of ways to not miss you and I am already mad at you for doing this to me. For doing this to yourself. Because I will clean this HUGE mess when its over. I will get burned. I see this coming from a mile away. I am going to stop giving my heart to you... Because I'm running out of places to hide from you. I'm going to run out of ways to keep myself from getting hurt. I am tired my darling. Tired of this mess you have made. Tired of laying in the bed you made. I want you to be happy and stable and healthy. But I don't want to want for you that which you do not want for yourself. I can't make you choose what is best for you. I can just be there when you fall and tell myself that the next time you're on your own. I will tell myself this time and again and for some reason I will keep being there, because in my head I have to. But I just want you to know Randy. I want you to know, that I don't want to clean up your mess. I want you to not make it to begin with. I know that's asking alot. I know that's expecting too much... But I'm tired of wanting the best I know... I want the best there is. And that my love, is not you. Not by a long shot.
Fuck Was I...
Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.
I'm developing my sense of humor,
till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.
Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesnt get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?
Love plows through me like a dozer,
I've got more give than a bale of hay,
and there's always a big mess left over.
What did you do?
What did you say?
Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the special one that doesn't get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?
Love tears me up like a demon.
Opens the wounds and fills them with lead,
and I'm having some trouble just breathing.
If we weren't such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead
Oh it's so embarrassing
I'm this awkward and uncomparable thing,
and I'm running out of places to hide
In the last week I have started to see you for who you really are... Which isn't a bad person, but you are no longer the standard. I know better exists... I don't know why I thought you were the best I could do... What the fuck was I thinking. Last week I was so mad at you, that I almost decided not to talk to you until I got back... And if you get back with Savannah, I won't. "If we weren't such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead." I already see it coming. I already know you will. I already am thinking of ways to not miss you and I am already mad at you for doing this to me. For doing this to yourself. Because I will clean this HUGE mess when its over. I will get burned. I see this coming from a mile away. I am going to stop giving my heart to you... Because I'm running out of places to hide from you. I'm going to run out of ways to keep myself from getting hurt. I am tired my darling. Tired of this mess you have made. Tired of laying in the bed you made. I want you to be happy and stable and healthy. But I don't want to want for you that which you do not want for yourself. I can't make you choose what is best for you. I can just be there when you fall and tell myself that the next time you're on your own. I will tell myself this time and again and for some reason I will keep being there, because in my head I have to. But I just want you to know Randy. I want you to know, that I don't want to clean up your mess. I want you to not make it to begin with. I know that's asking alot. I know that's expecting too much... But I'm tired of wanting the best I know... I want the best there is. And that my love, is not you. Not by a long shot.
Fuck Was I...
Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.
I'm developing my sense of humor,
till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.
Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesnt get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?
Love plows through me like a dozer,
I've got more give than a bale of hay,
and there's always a big mess left over.
What did you do?
What did you say?
Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the special one that doesn't get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?
Love tears me up like a demon.
Opens the wounds and fills them with lead,
and I'm having some trouble just breathing.
If we weren't such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead
Oh it's so embarrassing
I'm this awkward and uncomparable thing,
and I'm running out of places to hide
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
A Day of Fasting
I am visiting Amy's bible study tonight and before the bible study they are fasting, so I decided to fast too. I have never done a full fast before. I have done partial fasts at Lent. I do that every year. But giving up coffee is not the same as giving up food. I used to forget to eat in high school. I would not have time for lunch and then eat dinner with my fam. Tonight, we are going to break our fast. I am praying that my fast will teach me more about the God I try to serve. I hope that I will be able to serve him well.
I love yall!
Roxanna
I love yall!
Roxanna
Monday, October 11, 2010
In case you ever read this...
The reason why I am so pissed off at you right now, is because you're not thinking about my feelings. How your actions and words affect me is an after thought. I don't want to stress you out, I don't want to upset you, but I don't want you to think that you can say whatever you want when ever you want and it have no effect on me. If you know me as well as you say you do, you know that I think the only reason a man should have a woman tell him she loves him is if he wants to pursue her. THERE IS NO OTHER REASON! EVER! And I get it. You don't want to pursue anyone. You're not in a place and this is not the time, and I can't expect any more from you than what I'm getting... I don't expect any more from you than what I'm getting.
I don't want to stress you out, I don't want to upset you, I want us to be friends and be able to bullshit and laugh and quote Katt Williams. I don't want to make the friendship about my feelings for you and I don't want you to take me out of my comfort zone unless its a safe place and right now, I'm in a place where I'm bound to get hurt.
I don't want to stress you out, I don't want to upset you, I want us to be friends and be able to bullshit and laugh and quote Katt Williams. I don't want to make the friendship about my feelings for you and I don't want you to take me out of my comfort zone unless its a safe place and right now, I'm in a place where I'm bound to get hurt.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Because I'm a girl and I want the story, I do stupid things...
So, I got a bit excited about that boy coming back into my life. I have decided that I need to tone it down. I get so excited at the prospect of things that could happen, that I get lost in the possibility and forget to live in reality. I called him too much in the last few days. I will not be calling him for a while. It's better that way. I just liked him so much in high school. I like being the girl that got away. I like still being that. I just wanted something to surprise me and blow me away. I shouldn't have assumed that this would be it. I need to stay grounded. The story isn't always real. Sometimes the story is in my head. Even if I love the story, I can't live my life by it.
Love yall
R
Love yall
R
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Because I'm a girl and I want the story.
There was once a little girl, who dreamed of a white knight on his gallant steed waiting to ride up and sweep her off her feet. When she used to play with her dolls, she would have the boy doll ride on a horse and reproduce this. She wanted to be a princess. She wasn't even a girly girl. She played in the dirt with her teenage mutant ninja turtles, but she desperately wanted to be someone's princess. When she was 16, she met a boy, who thought she was a princess. He let her know him. He was a guarded knight. He hid his armor but wore it well and he knew that while he wanted to sweep her off her feet, he had to slay some pretty large dragons first. So, he let the girl be content with the fool she thought she was in love with. All the while, the knight was slaying dragons and protecting other maidens from evil doers. After some time, the knight forgot about his princess. The girl however, became tired of the fool, and waited for the knight to come back... He did not.
5 years later, after trying to kiss frogs and cast spells, the girl looked into the magic book of faces and found the knight. He was living outside her kingdom and was on his way to become a lord. She was nervous about contacting him. It was not common for girls to contact knights after all. Maidens are saved because knights find them, not because they ask to be. So the girl took the chance. She sent a message to the knight hoping that he would respond.
The knight meanwhile had been in his castle, with his maiden love enjoying his life without thought of the girl. Suddenly a message arrived and he saw her seal. It had been a long time since he last saw her seal. He opened the message. "I hope you do not hate me" he could see where her pen had been shaking, "I hope we can be friends again". He smiled as he read her name. He hadn't thought of her in some time, and now there she was, sending him a letter after years of not even a word.
The knight wrote her back, assuring her that he did not wish any ill will toward her and that in fact he was overjoyed at her attempt to make contact, and this, dear reader, is how the correspondence began. They began to send letters, waiting for the other's response. The knight wanted to see the girl again. She was however, in a kingdom that was far away on the other side of a giant pond. The pond was more like an ocean than a pond, and while the distance was great they began to remember the closeness that they had once shared.
The girl began to know the knight again, and he began to know her. The girl began to remember what it was like to be a princess. She began to remember what it felt like to be known and in an instant she began to feel fear creep through her breast. She was afraid of the closeness. She was afraid that the knight who could slay dragons and save princesses would again leave for greener pastures. The knight, in knight fashion, reminded the girl that best friends stay even when it is not comfortable. And that they were indeed the best of friends. The kind that are known.
The girl secretly, well, not so secretly, wished for the knight to see her as a princess. She wished that he would become the knight she had wished for as a child. She wished and waited and hoped. She is still in her kingdom, and he is still in his. There is a great distance that separates them, but there is a closeness that keeps them from being apart.
5 years later, after trying to kiss frogs and cast spells, the girl looked into the magic book of faces and found the knight. He was living outside her kingdom and was on his way to become a lord. She was nervous about contacting him. It was not common for girls to contact knights after all. Maidens are saved because knights find them, not because they ask to be. So the girl took the chance. She sent a message to the knight hoping that he would respond.
The knight meanwhile had been in his castle, with his maiden love enjoying his life without thought of the girl. Suddenly a message arrived and he saw her seal. It had been a long time since he last saw her seal. He opened the message. "I hope you do not hate me" he could see where her pen had been shaking, "I hope we can be friends again". He smiled as he read her name. He hadn't thought of her in some time, and now there she was, sending him a letter after years of not even a word.
The knight wrote her back, assuring her that he did not wish any ill will toward her and that in fact he was overjoyed at her attempt to make contact, and this, dear reader, is how the correspondence began. They began to send letters, waiting for the other's response. The knight wanted to see the girl again. She was however, in a kingdom that was far away on the other side of a giant pond. The pond was more like an ocean than a pond, and while the distance was great they began to remember the closeness that they had once shared.
The girl began to know the knight again, and he began to know her. The girl began to remember what it was like to be a princess. She began to remember what it felt like to be known and in an instant she began to feel fear creep through her breast. She was afraid of the closeness. She was afraid that the knight who could slay dragons and save princesses would again leave for greener pastures. The knight, in knight fashion, reminded the girl that best friends stay even when it is not comfortable. And that they were indeed the best of friends. The kind that are known.
The girl secretly, well, not so secretly, wished for the knight to see her as a princess. She wished that he would become the knight she had wished for as a child. She wished and waited and hoped. She is still in her kingdom, and he is still in his. There is a great distance that separates them, but there is a closeness that keeps them from being apart.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Music
It's amazing how you can fall in love with a song all over again years after you first heard it. This happened last night. I was listening to Stevie Nicks song Silver Springs on repeat for a good hour and it spoke to my heart. I'm not a good writer, I'm not very good at expressing myself, but when I listen to music, I hear my thoughts. Last night I found Silver Springs again. I had first heard this song when I was really small, maybe 4 or 5. My mom listened to nothing be classic rock when I was younger and so, I grew up with a love for Fleetwood Mac, Queen, Clapton, and the Eagles. When I hear songs from these artists, I am 6 again, singing in the car at the top of my lunges.
When I was 11, I sang in a wedding. I hated the song I had to sing, and I didn't want to sing the song I sang, but I loved singing. The teacher that asked me to sing in his wedding had taught me a Minnie Riperton song and I practiced singing it in his classroom. I sang "My Heart Will Go On" for his wedding... I still hate that song, but I still love "Memory Lane". Minnie had soul. I wanted to sing with that same kind of soul. Maybe when I was 14 I did... Maybe I still can. I've stopped singing. I sang for another wedding a couple of years ago. It was fun. I missed singing. Wait, scratch that, I miss singing. I sing all the time, but I miss choir, and weddings, and competition... I miss having music be the center of my life. When I get back to Vienna I'm going to join a choir. I need music to become the focus. I've been losing myself lately. I've been finding my worth and value in the men I date and in the people I make proud... I need to find value in myself and it needs to come from me.
I'm going to sing today at the top of my lunges and I don't really care who hears it. :)
Love yall!
When I was 11, I sang in a wedding. I hated the song I had to sing, and I didn't want to sing the song I sang, but I loved singing. The teacher that asked me to sing in his wedding had taught me a Minnie Riperton song and I practiced singing it in his classroom. I sang "My Heart Will Go On" for his wedding... I still hate that song, but I still love "Memory Lane". Minnie had soul. I wanted to sing with that same kind of soul. Maybe when I was 14 I did... Maybe I still can. I've stopped singing. I sang for another wedding a couple of years ago. It was fun. I missed singing. Wait, scratch that, I miss singing. I sing all the time, but I miss choir, and weddings, and competition... I miss having music be the center of my life. When I get back to Vienna I'm going to join a choir. I need music to become the focus. I've been losing myself lately. I've been finding my worth and value in the men I date and in the people I make proud... I need to find value in myself and it needs to come from me.
I'm going to sing today at the top of my lunges and I don't really care who hears it. :)
Love yall!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Giving You Space
sms (R): Are you dead?
(Me): What do you mean am I dead?
(R): I haven't heard from you in days... I thought you might be mad at me or you died.
(Me): Were you worried sweetpea?
(R): A bit.
(Me): Aw that's sweet. I was being less available to you... I felt like I had been trying too hard to talk to you, so I was taking a break.
(R): Can you call?
(Me): Now?
(R): Yeah...
So of course I called... And we talked... For over an hour we spoke on the phone and the dynamic has changed between us. It's not the same. Part of this is because I forget I'm not his girlfriend and I have no claim on him. I know this sounds stupid. I mean, there is no reason why I should feel like I have any right to stake claim and I have no right to be jealous of any woman he may have in his life and yet, because I feel jealous, invisible, and for some reason jilted, I've complicated what was once the perfect friendship... I mean, he didn't help things, but if I had just kept my mouth shut, we would be able to talk about stuff and I wouldn't feel hurt, because he wouldn't know how I feel and things would be ok. The only down side to this idea is that he would have never kissed me... But I can't change what's happened...
I wasn't just mad at him you know? I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself because I felt hurt over nothing and because he should be a big deal. Nothing I say to him about my life bothers him. I mean he doesn't like it when I talk about sex, but it doesn't really bother him. It bothers me when he talks about db's. Not because I want to ever be db3... I don't. I wanna be the Rachel to his Batman. Without the dying part. I wanna be the Lois Lane to his Superman. The MJ to his Spiderman... You get the picture. But I'm not the leading lady, his cursory interest in me is superficial at best, but I was trying to play the role.
In order to get back to my Alfred role I've been giving him space. Not so much for him as for me. I'm giving him space so that I can remember to stay true to my role... Alfred. He could be my silver spring, but she's pretty... And she loves him and baby I don't wanna know.
You could be my silver spring...
Blue-green... colors flashin'
I would be your only dream.....
Your shinin' autumn... ocean crashin'...
Don't say that she's pretty...
and did you say that she loves you...?
Baby I don't wanna know.
So I'll begin not to love you...
Turn around, you'll see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago...
And tell myself you never loved me... No...
Don't say that she's pretty...
And did you say that she loves you...?
Baby, I don't wanna know... Oh no...
And can you tell me... was it worth it...?
Baby, I don't wanna know...
Time cast a spell on you... you won't forget me...
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me...
Time cast a spell on you... but you won't forget me...
(I was such a fool)
I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me...
(Give me one more chance)
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you...
(Haunt you)
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you
(Me): What do you mean am I dead?
(R): I haven't heard from you in days... I thought you might be mad at me or you died.
(Me): Were you worried sweetpea?
(R): A bit.
(Me): Aw that's sweet. I was being less available to you... I felt like I had been trying too hard to talk to you, so I was taking a break.
(R): Can you call?
(Me): Now?
(R): Yeah...
So of course I called... And we talked... For over an hour we spoke on the phone and the dynamic has changed between us. It's not the same. Part of this is because I forget I'm not his girlfriend and I have no claim on him. I know this sounds stupid. I mean, there is no reason why I should feel like I have any right to stake claim and I have no right to be jealous of any woman he may have in his life and yet, because I feel jealous, invisible, and for some reason jilted, I've complicated what was once the perfect friendship... I mean, he didn't help things, but if I had just kept my mouth shut, we would be able to talk about stuff and I wouldn't feel hurt, because he wouldn't know how I feel and things would be ok. The only down side to this idea is that he would have never kissed me... But I can't change what's happened...
I wasn't just mad at him you know? I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself because I felt hurt over nothing and because he should be a big deal. Nothing I say to him about my life bothers him. I mean he doesn't like it when I talk about sex, but it doesn't really bother him. It bothers me when he talks about db's. Not because I want to ever be db3... I don't. I wanna be the Rachel to his Batman. Without the dying part. I wanna be the Lois Lane to his Superman. The MJ to his Spiderman... You get the picture. But I'm not the leading lady, his cursory interest in me is superficial at best, but I was trying to play the role.
In order to get back to my Alfred role I've been giving him space. Not so much for him as for me. I'm giving him space so that I can remember to stay true to my role... Alfred. He could be my silver spring, but she's pretty... And she loves him and baby I don't wanna know.
You could be my silver spring...
Blue-green... colors flashin'
I would be your only dream.....
Your shinin' autumn... ocean crashin'...
Don't say that she's pretty...
and did you say that she loves you...?
Baby I don't wanna know.
So I'll begin not to love you...
Turn around, you'll see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago...
And tell myself you never loved me... No...
Don't say that she's pretty...
And did you say that she loves you...?
Baby, I don't wanna know... Oh no...
And can you tell me... was it worth it...?
Baby, I don't wanna know...
Time cast a spell on you... you won't forget me...
I know I could've loved you but you would not let me...
Time cast a spell on you... but you won't forget me...
(I was such a fool)
I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me...
(Give me one more chance)
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you...
(Haunt you)
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you
Monday, August 30, 2010
Conversations I've had with you in my head...
I've said all kinds of things to you in my head. I've had whole conversations with you. I've told you that you're not the man for me. I've told you I love you... I've told you that you'll never love me. In my head I have said things to you that I would never say to anyone. I don't know why I can't say these things to you in real life. I don't know what holds me back or what keeps me from being honest... Not that I lie to you, but I'm never fully honest. I am very skilled at giving you just enough to make you feel comfortable. Enough to make you think you know exactly what I'm thinking. I wish I had the courage to have the conversations with you that I have in my head.
One of the things that I would tell you, is that you're the kind of man that I want to marry, and if you really don't ever see yourself getting married, you can't be with me because I want to get married and have kids... If you don't then don't waste my time. Which is too much to ask from you right now. And I understand that. Its just I want that epic love story that transcends time and that might seem naive. I'm aware that it is a lot to expect from life, but it's what I'm aiming for. I don't see us having that. In part because in your mind, you've already had it and because in mine there is the chance that I never will.
It may be childish, it may be naive, but I want the fairy tale love story that makes my friends cry and causes my mother to want me to get married. I want the kind of love that last even after one of us dies. The kind when after one death the other just stops living due to broken-heartedness. The kind of love that produces children who respect people and want to make the world better than it is. The kind of love that last forever. I believe it is possible. I won't settle for less. I have before. I won't now. I'm 24 and while that may still be young, I'm not getting any younger, and I don't have time to waste my heart on bullshit.
I'm 24, a good number of my friends are engaged or married, and I don't have time to waste on you. Not that you are generally a wast of time, but you're a waste of my time and my heart. And while I would love you to prove me wrong, I know you won't. So, I'm going to keep searching the world over for my prince charming, for my happy ending, and while I may never find it, it's better to die searching for what you really want, than to live settling for what you don't.
That being said, you will tell me that I don't know these things to be true, and neither do you. You would tell me that you don't even know which way is up and which is down and to not give up... At least this is what you say in my head. It's not even really what I want to hear. It just what I think you would say but better... Anyway, who knows, maybe someday we'll talk about this and you'll tell me what I need to hear, whatever that may be, and I'll stop having conversations with you in my head because we'll start saying things in real life.
One of the things that I would tell you, is that you're the kind of man that I want to marry, and if you really don't ever see yourself getting married, you can't be with me because I want to get married and have kids... If you don't then don't waste my time. Which is too much to ask from you right now. And I understand that. Its just I want that epic love story that transcends time and that might seem naive. I'm aware that it is a lot to expect from life, but it's what I'm aiming for. I don't see us having that. In part because in your mind, you've already had it and because in mine there is the chance that I never will.
It may be childish, it may be naive, but I want the fairy tale love story that makes my friends cry and causes my mother to want me to get married. I want the kind of love that last even after one of us dies. The kind when after one death the other just stops living due to broken-heartedness. The kind of love that produces children who respect people and want to make the world better than it is. The kind of love that last forever. I believe it is possible. I won't settle for less. I have before. I won't now. I'm 24 and while that may still be young, I'm not getting any younger, and I don't have time to waste my heart on bullshit.
I'm 24, a good number of my friends are engaged or married, and I don't have time to waste on you. Not that you are generally a wast of time, but you're a waste of my time and my heart. And while I would love you to prove me wrong, I know you won't. So, I'm going to keep searching the world over for my prince charming, for my happy ending, and while I may never find it, it's better to die searching for what you really want, than to live settling for what you don't.
That being said, you will tell me that I don't know these things to be true, and neither do you. You would tell me that you don't even know which way is up and which is down and to not give up... At least this is what you say in my head. It's not even really what I want to hear. It just what I think you would say but better... Anyway, who knows, maybe someday we'll talk about this and you'll tell me what I need to hear, whatever that may be, and I'll stop having conversations with you in my head because we'll start saying things in real life.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Bellevue
I'm sitting home, by myself on a Saturday night watching House... alone... There could be a million reasons why I'm sitting home alone watching TV on a night like tonight, but none of them are good reasons. The main one being that I'm single, and I don't feel like leaving my house just to talk with other single women about being single. My friend J wanted to go to a salsa club tonight... I don't dance. Well, that's not true... I don't like crowds of people and I don't like random creepy guys trying to talk to me or dance with me. Granted I'm not a very pretty girl and I could stand to fix a few things about myself, but I am a girl none the less and I'm not unfortunate looking so every once in a while I get hit on by guys. I am some guys type in a way. I'm short, have curly brown hair, and brown eyes... There are guys that go for that.
I'm not the going out type at all really. I'd much rather hit a bar or a karaoke place than go to a club. Nashville is a good city for a person like me. Tons of bars to hang out in, bars where I do not have to talk to anyone if I don't want to but can if I do. Sometimes, I'll go to a coffee shop by myself with a book and read. I like being in public, I don't always like being with people. I could go to a coffee shop tonight if I really wanted to... But I don't. I'm funny that way. I don't want to be alone, but I do.
I've spent a lot of time by myself over the past two years. Well, that's not all together true. N and I broke up two years ago. Before we broke up I spent almost all of my free time with him. I miss that. I miss having someone to spend all of my free time with. Sometimes, when he would get off of work, he would have me meet him at his apartment out in Bellevue and we would drink and watch one of 3 movies and then brush our teeth and go to bed. Brushing your teeth with someone is a very intimate thing to me. It's something personal that you don't normally do with other people. Something you do by yourself when you wake up or right before you go to bed. Being there in his apartment with him, getting ready for bed, I felt like we were on our way to getting married. I didn't live with him per se, but I did sleep every night at his apartment, had a tooth brush there, and forgot enough clothes there that I really didn't need to bring any with me.
I spent my freshman year of college in that apartment. Sometimes, I wish I was spending my time there now. But not really. I just want to be spending my Saturday night with my boyfriend, drinking vodka sours, watching our favorite movies, and then going to bed. It doesn't need to be N. It could be anyone. But sometimes, on nights like tonight, when I'm home alone in my parents house, waiting to go back to my apartment in another city, I wish I were back in Bellevue, with a drink in my hand quoting lines from a crappy movie I have seen a hundred times, with the guy I've been brushing my teeth with since I was 19.
I'm not the going out type at all really. I'd much rather hit a bar or a karaoke place than go to a club. Nashville is a good city for a person like me. Tons of bars to hang out in, bars where I do not have to talk to anyone if I don't want to but can if I do. Sometimes, I'll go to a coffee shop by myself with a book and read. I like being in public, I don't always like being with people. I could go to a coffee shop tonight if I really wanted to... But I don't. I'm funny that way. I don't want to be alone, but I do.
I've spent a lot of time by myself over the past two years. Well, that's not all together true. N and I broke up two years ago. Before we broke up I spent almost all of my free time with him. I miss that. I miss having someone to spend all of my free time with. Sometimes, when he would get off of work, he would have me meet him at his apartment out in Bellevue and we would drink and watch one of 3 movies and then brush our teeth and go to bed. Brushing your teeth with someone is a very intimate thing to me. It's something personal that you don't normally do with other people. Something you do by yourself when you wake up or right before you go to bed. Being there in his apartment with him, getting ready for bed, I felt like we were on our way to getting married. I didn't live with him per se, but I did sleep every night at his apartment, had a tooth brush there, and forgot enough clothes there that I really didn't need to bring any with me.
I spent my freshman year of college in that apartment. Sometimes, I wish I was spending my time there now. But not really. I just want to be spending my Saturday night with my boyfriend, drinking vodka sours, watching our favorite movies, and then going to bed. It doesn't need to be N. It could be anyone. But sometimes, on nights like tonight, when I'm home alone in my parents house, waiting to go back to my apartment in another city, I wish I were back in Bellevue, with a drink in my hand quoting lines from a crappy movie I have seen a hundred times, with the guy I've been brushing my teeth with since I was 19.
Monday, August 23, 2010
I know
I told him I knew as soon as he started talking about it. A woman has this instinct that lets us know right before something is about to go wrong. "She's grown up a lot." He says this, after spending 2 weeks with her... I listen to him talk about her for a good 30 min. I know... I may have been born at night but it wasn't last night... I know... He knows her. He's known her for years. She's held onto him. Of course he likes that. He's telling me about her and I would be lying if it said it didn't mess with my emotions... He wants me to want him, but he's telling me about someone else. This was the moment I threw in the towel. "Don't worry" he says, "in five years she probably won't be around." We have this thing, that in 5 years after he's gotten over all of his shit, I get to call dibs... "Maybe I don't want to anymore." I almost whisper this... "What? Call dibs?" He asked... "Yeah" I say with more confidence, I mean he's been sleeping with his ex for the past month, why would I want to consider someone who is doing that. "That's messed up!" He almost sounds angry. As though he's upset by the idea that I no longer want him... "Why?" I ask and honestly, at this point, I don't understand why he would be upset.
He has DB1 to take care of him. (DB1 and DB2 are his two exes that we refer to as dumb bitch one and two.) I on the other hand am not a dumb bitch. He knows this and I know this... And yet, during this particular conversation I feel like one. I'm pissy and upset and my feelings are hurt and I refuse to say what I really want to say which is "How can you say you have feelings for me and tell me all this shit! Can't you see it hurts me? Don't you know how I feel about you?" We argue about why it bothers him that I no longer want to call dibs, which really means I no longer want him. We argue about if his feeling are hurt or not and talk in "Maybe" as in "Maybe that hurt my feelings" and "Maybe when I kissed you I felt something" And we dance around what we both really want to say and no one says what they really mean.
What it all boils down to, is that he is broken, and needs to have someone love him anyway... Someone who sees how broken he is. I don't know if DB1 does. He says he needs me in his life, and coming from him this is a lot. I know because he swears up and down all the time that he doesn't need anything or anyone. What it all boils down to, is that I know he's going to go back to DB1. I know that she provides some momentary comfort and knowing this breaks my heart a little. What it all boils down to is that he is basically everything that I want and can't have. What it all boils down to is that we are two broken people, looking for someone or something to fill the cracks, hoping that eventually someone or something will. Maybe he hopes it will be me? Maybe he thinks it will be DB2 and she'll come back and make everything all better. Maybe he has no idea what he's doing and just needs to be wanted. I think DB1 needs him in her life. I don't need him in mine, and for some reason, in my head this just makes the case for why he shouldn't be with her stronger. He doesn't need someone who needs him. That's the mistake he's made time and time again. He takes some girl with daddy issues and problems who needs someone to make it all better and he does and then when she can stand on her own she leaves.
Maybe I shouldn't care as much as I do, and not take his thing with DB1 personally. Maybe I should just ignore how I feel and not call dibs and forget about all of it. That would probably be the best thing. But I felt something when he kissed me. And he did too... And I've liked him for years. And you can't make your heart not want something even if your head is telling you it can see your heartbreak from a mile away... I wish they could line up for once. My head and my heart, and get on the same damn page! It would make life easier. He says it hurt his feelings because he specifically wanted me to call dibs... I'm not so sure about that... What I am sure about, is this will either end very badly, or be the best thing. He says they've talked about getting back together. He says he doesn't even know if they will, but I know. I know him... I know.
I Know by Fiona Apple
So be it, I'm your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, dont need to say it
He has DB1 to take care of him. (DB1 and DB2 are his two exes that we refer to as dumb bitch one and two.) I on the other hand am not a dumb bitch. He knows this and I know this... And yet, during this particular conversation I feel like one. I'm pissy and upset and my feelings are hurt and I refuse to say what I really want to say which is "How can you say you have feelings for me and tell me all this shit! Can't you see it hurts me? Don't you know how I feel about you?" We argue about why it bothers him that I no longer want to call dibs, which really means I no longer want him. We argue about if his feeling are hurt or not and talk in "Maybe" as in "Maybe that hurt my feelings" and "Maybe when I kissed you I felt something" And we dance around what we both really want to say and no one says what they really mean.
What it all boils down to, is that he is broken, and needs to have someone love him anyway... Someone who sees how broken he is. I don't know if DB1 does. He says he needs me in his life, and coming from him this is a lot. I know because he swears up and down all the time that he doesn't need anything or anyone. What it all boils down to, is that I know he's going to go back to DB1. I know that she provides some momentary comfort and knowing this breaks my heart a little. What it all boils down to is that he is basically everything that I want and can't have. What it all boils down to is that we are two broken people, looking for someone or something to fill the cracks, hoping that eventually someone or something will. Maybe he hopes it will be me? Maybe he thinks it will be DB2 and she'll come back and make everything all better. Maybe he has no idea what he's doing and just needs to be wanted. I think DB1 needs him in her life. I don't need him in mine, and for some reason, in my head this just makes the case for why he shouldn't be with her stronger. He doesn't need someone who needs him. That's the mistake he's made time and time again. He takes some girl with daddy issues and problems who needs someone to make it all better and he does and then when she can stand on her own she leaves.
Maybe I shouldn't care as much as I do, and not take his thing with DB1 personally. Maybe I should just ignore how I feel and not call dibs and forget about all of it. That would probably be the best thing. But I felt something when he kissed me. And he did too... And I've liked him for years. And you can't make your heart not want something even if your head is telling you it can see your heartbreak from a mile away... I wish they could line up for once. My head and my heart, and get on the same damn page! It would make life easier. He says it hurt his feelings because he specifically wanted me to call dibs... I'm not so sure about that... What I am sure about, is this will either end very badly, or be the best thing. He says they've talked about getting back together. He says he doesn't even know if they will, but I know. I know him... I know.
I Know by Fiona Apple
So be it, I'm your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, dont need to say it
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Its been a long ass time...
SO I've been home for about 2 months now... Much has happened and I need a place to write, so I'm going to do it here in hopes that no one actually reads it. Ok first thing's first...
I have been talking to this guy friend of mine... A guy that I am crazy about and sometimes I wonder if the universe has it in for me... He's perfect. He is just my friend, and he opens car doors for me, says sweet things, and when he kissed me the world stopped for a second. This guy recently got divorced or rather is in the process.... Are you noticing a pattern? I am! What is it with me and divorced men!
I was facestalking his soon to be ex-wife. On her facebook there are old wedding pictures, they had been married for 3 years, and I was looking at them. I wanted to cry. It was painful seeing them. Partially because she's a dumb bitch and I hate her and he's such a good guy and could do so much better, but also, because I really wanted him. I liked him when they got married. I liked him about right after Robbie and I broke up. I liked him when his mom died and he called me on the phone from Denver crying... I liked him when he told me they were getting back together, and I liked him when I told him it was a bad idea and she would break his heart. I liked him when they were married and he told me they were having problems, and I liked him when I told one of my best friends that eventually they would break up and I would jump on the opportunity if it came up... I liked him when he called me upset because she left him, and I liked him when he called me everyday for a month because he needed someone to talk to... I liked him when I drove 4.5 hours to see him just so that he would kiss me, using my interview as an excuse and I liked him when he did and he took my breath away. And I like him now. In fact, he is exactly what I want and now is not the right time. He is not ready. But I want him anyway. If I thought there was a way for me to win him over I would. I want him exactly as he is. Fucked up and all.
Even in the state that he is in he is still the most amazing guy in the world. Even with all of the hurt and confusion he is feeling he still takes the cake. I want this guy. I could see a future with this guy... He doesn't know what he wants. How could he? He just found out about a month ago that his wife was leaving him... He had a wife. A woman that he promised to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better or for worse... He promised to love her as long as they both lived forsaking all others. How can I compete with that? How can I compete with marriage vows? I can't. He thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. I can't compete with the rest of his life... So even though he likes me, and even though he kissed me, and even though he says "Fuck her, I'm done!" I know and he knows and God knows that he's not done. He may not be waiting by the phone for her call... But he's still hoping deep down that she will, because when he said as long as we both shall live.... He meant it.
Oh and his ex-wife also hates me, mostly because I was his friend and took his side when she left him in high school, and when I face stalked her today I saw this comment that I knew was about me. She hadn't posted it... But it doesn't matter. She's not a fan. I'm not a fan of her. The good news is, my life is so much better than her life could ever be. That and she has lost the most amazing guy in the world. That and her husband, well her soon to be ex husband, has kissed me. Oh and I've seen a good bit of the world, and I have lived in multiple countries, and I can have kids and she can't... (I'm ranting btw) I guess what it all boils down to, is that I was jealous of her having him but my life is better than her life will ever be. She is not even 23 yet, she's getting divorced, she can't have children, even though it was her dream, and she will never be happy. I would feel bad for her, if it weren't her own doing. I know meanness isn't a pretty color on me, but this girl is my least favorite person in the world right now...
I have been talking to this guy friend of mine... A guy that I am crazy about and sometimes I wonder if the universe has it in for me... He's perfect. He is just my friend, and he opens car doors for me, says sweet things, and when he kissed me the world stopped for a second. This guy recently got divorced or rather is in the process.... Are you noticing a pattern? I am! What is it with me and divorced men!
I was facestalking his soon to be ex-wife. On her facebook there are old wedding pictures, they had been married for 3 years, and I was looking at them. I wanted to cry. It was painful seeing them. Partially because she's a dumb bitch and I hate her and he's such a good guy and could do so much better, but also, because I really wanted him. I liked him when they got married. I liked him about right after Robbie and I broke up. I liked him when his mom died and he called me on the phone from Denver crying... I liked him when he told me they were getting back together, and I liked him when I told him it was a bad idea and she would break his heart. I liked him when they were married and he told me they were having problems, and I liked him when I told one of my best friends that eventually they would break up and I would jump on the opportunity if it came up... I liked him when he called me upset because she left him, and I liked him when he called me everyday for a month because he needed someone to talk to... I liked him when I drove 4.5 hours to see him just so that he would kiss me, using my interview as an excuse and I liked him when he did and he took my breath away. And I like him now. In fact, he is exactly what I want and now is not the right time. He is not ready. But I want him anyway. If I thought there was a way for me to win him over I would. I want him exactly as he is. Fucked up and all.
Even in the state that he is in he is still the most amazing guy in the world. Even with all of the hurt and confusion he is feeling he still takes the cake. I want this guy. I could see a future with this guy... He doesn't know what he wants. How could he? He just found out about a month ago that his wife was leaving him... He had a wife. A woman that he promised to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better or for worse... He promised to love her as long as they both lived forsaking all others. How can I compete with that? How can I compete with marriage vows? I can't. He thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. I can't compete with the rest of his life... So even though he likes me, and even though he kissed me, and even though he says "Fuck her, I'm done!" I know and he knows and God knows that he's not done. He may not be waiting by the phone for her call... But he's still hoping deep down that she will, because when he said as long as we both shall live.... He meant it.
Oh and his ex-wife also hates me, mostly because I was his friend and took his side when she left him in high school, and when I face stalked her today I saw this comment that I knew was about me. She hadn't posted it... But it doesn't matter. She's not a fan. I'm not a fan of her. The good news is, my life is so much better than her life could ever be. That and she has lost the most amazing guy in the world. That and her husband, well her soon to be ex husband, has kissed me. Oh and I've seen a good bit of the world, and I have lived in multiple countries, and I can have kids and she can't... (I'm ranting btw) I guess what it all boils down to, is that I was jealous of her having him but my life is better than her life will ever be. She is not even 23 yet, she's getting divorced, she can't have children, even though it was her dream, and she will never be happy. I would feel bad for her, if it weren't her own doing. I know meanness isn't a pretty color on me, but this girl is my least favorite person in the world right now...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Things that I love
I love:
Nutella and banana sandwiches
Crackers with Cream cheese
Apples with peanut butter
Sunshine!
Warm weather and by warm I mean at least 75 degrees F no cooler thank you!
GOSSIP GIRL!!!!
My roommate Maria
Cheddar Cheese
Oven thin crust pizza with almost no cheese, NO meat and tons of veggies!!!!
Risotto with veggies, mushrooms, and a tiny hint of safran
Laughing
Coffee shops
riding a bike in the sun
These are a few of my favorite things!
Nutella and banana sandwiches
Crackers with Cream cheese
Apples with peanut butter
Sunshine!
Warm weather and by warm I mean at least 75 degrees F no cooler thank you!
GOSSIP GIRL!!!!
My roommate Maria
Cheddar Cheese
Oven thin crust pizza with almost no cheese, NO meat and tons of veggies!!!!
Risotto with veggies, mushrooms, and a tiny hint of safran
Laughing
Coffee shops
riding a bike in the sun
These are a few of my favorite things!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
My life right now
So, I am sitting in my new bedroom (I moved) watching White Collar online while cleaning my room. Life is good! I love my new apt. I live with 2 AMAZING girls who are Austrian and maybe my 2 favorite people here. Well, Maria is anyway. I could totally see myself being friends with Maria for a long time! She's awesome! I am doing so much better! Its funny how being alone too much durring the day and living in a place you dont feel totally ok at makes you depressed. It also helps that the sun has decided to shine again showing its beautiful face! I love sun! It really makes me happier when the sun shines. I hope you all are well and still reading, although I'm sure no one is. I love you!
R
R
Friday, February 19, 2010
BF, Valentines Day, and the like
So, as you all know there is a new man in my life. I have a bf, his name is Israel, people call him Sruli, he's a Jew, and he is the nicest guy on the planet. He lives in Guildford. He's awesome and I am happy. I've been to visit him 2xs and he came here for Vday. He sent me flowers, bought me Lush shampoo, conditioner, soap, massage stuff, and a body bar. It was awesome! He is the sweetest person in the world. He is so considerate! For example, the two times that I have visited him, he had food ready and waiting for me each night that I got in. He also does my laundry, he cleans the kitchen when I cook, and he is the most amazing man I have ever met in my life, and I am lucky to have him. I never thought I would ever be able to say that. I never thought I would ever feel lucky to be with a man. But I am! He's great!
Love Yall!
R
Love Yall!
R
Monday, January 25, 2010
Fake Plastic Trees
Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself
It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out
She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins
It wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out
She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out
If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time
This looks like the real thing, it tastes like the real thing... I am really hoping this is the real thing. He's awesome! I'm going to be spending the next 2 weekends with him... We'll see how this goes. I just really want something to go well for me. I'm ready for something to work out.
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself
It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out
She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins
It wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out
She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out
If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time
This looks like the real thing, it tastes like the real thing... I am really hoping this is the real thing. He's awesome! I'm going to be spending the next 2 weekends with him... We'll see how this goes. I just really want something to go well for me. I'm ready for something to work out.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Some Days
“So no of course we can’t be friends, not while I still feel like this, I want to ask where I went wrong, but don’t say anything at all…
It took a cup of coffee, to prove that you don’t love me.”
Some days, something hits you, and you know it is something that is for the best. In fact, you know that it is the way things are meant to work out and it is the sort of thing that you realize is exactly what you needed to happen… Nevertheless, it leaves you with a yearning in your stomach and an ache in your heart. It guts you and leaves you gasping for air. That happened this morning. For those of you, who already know who I am writing about, and are angry that I am writing yet another blog (even though I said the other one was the last one) about Nick, I need to get this out there.
I called Nick today. He said that he was driving back from Cleveland TN. Now, of course because this is forever away I asked what he was doing there. He told me not to worry about it. Now, I know Nick… For all of his flaws, being a liar is not one of them… He was telling me without telling me. He was there with a girl. Don’t get me wrong; I knew this day would come. I have been with other guys since Nick… Nick certainly isn’t the last man standing… However, I had always hoped that he would never move on. That I could hop in and out of his life and still be the only woman. This of course is totally selfish. Why shouldn’t he move on? Why should he not date? I am after all his ex-girlfriend… I have no claim on him. I have no right, no reason, to feel jealous and hurt.
I used to call him and tell him about the men I was seeing. I did this to make him jealous, for no other reason, believe me. I told him about how great they were, how kind, how funny, how they were so much better than he was. I did this, knowing that it had to hurt him, if only a bit. He, on the other hand, did not talk about her, barely mentioned her name, did not tell me how much better she is than me… He simply says, don’t worry about it. Because he knows that I am consumed with questions, feeling terrible and feeling hurt. He knows all this because he knows me. I am sure he knows that he could have lied, but he has only lied to me once in our whole friendship. I am telling myself, that I am in Austria, and that he is in America, and insignificant. I am telling myself, that I should not care. I am telling myself that it was going to eventually happen, that this is really for the best and I need to move on, and I have no right to feel the way I do… I am telling myself this, all the while, feeling a longing, a yearning in my stomach and a dull ache in my heart. I am telling myself this, while feeling gutted. I have no reason to feel hurt, no reason, to feel jealous, no reason to care at all. Yet, I have never felt a greater sense of the end with us. It really is over. He is moving on… I will too… However, I still love him. Despite his flaws.
He has a girlfriend… And he’s happy… This shouldn’t make me feel so shitty… I should be happy for him. He didn’t lie. He told me the truth… And he’s happy… Isn’t that what matters? What matters is that he’s happy right? I should be happy for him right? I mean this day would have to come eventually. I knew that someday he would move on… I just hoped… I just wanted… I guess I just wanted to believe that it never would. I guess I just wanted to believe that he would always be mine. But he’s not.
Why do I care? I’m in Europe, doing amazing things… Living a life that his girlfriend who probably only went to CC will never ever live. I am doing more with my life than any Cleveland TN girl could ever dream of doing. I am smarter than this girl, doing more with my life than this Laura girl; I am better than this girl.
He may be happy, but he’s happy with a girl who won’t want more with her life. He’s happy with a girl who thinks that a job at Ruby Tuesdays is a good job. He’s happy with a girl who has no idea what Europe looks like, how to speak another language, wants to live in TN all her life and never go anywhere important. He will be happy with a girl who is no where near as good as me, as cool as me, as smart as me, as funny as me… His new love will not be me. She will not love him as much as I do, she will not understand him like I do… She will not be me. She will be a second rate, less than as wonderful, not me.
I will marry a man who is amazing. He will be a man of God. He will love me with all of his heart. He will not be like Nick. He will be honest, he will be loving. He won’t settle for some girl from Cleveland TN… He will be better than that.
It took a cup of coffee, to prove that you don’t love me.”
Some days, something hits you, and you know it is something that is for the best. In fact, you know that it is the way things are meant to work out and it is the sort of thing that you realize is exactly what you needed to happen… Nevertheless, it leaves you with a yearning in your stomach and an ache in your heart. It guts you and leaves you gasping for air. That happened this morning. For those of you, who already know who I am writing about, and are angry that I am writing yet another blog (even though I said the other one was the last one) about Nick, I need to get this out there.
I called Nick today. He said that he was driving back from Cleveland TN. Now, of course because this is forever away I asked what he was doing there. He told me not to worry about it. Now, I know Nick… For all of his flaws, being a liar is not one of them… He was telling me without telling me. He was there with a girl. Don’t get me wrong; I knew this day would come. I have been with other guys since Nick… Nick certainly isn’t the last man standing… However, I had always hoped that he would never move on. That I could hop in and out of his life and still be the only woman. This of course is totally selfish. Why shouldn’t he move on? Why should he not date? I am after all his ex-girlfriend… I have no claim on him. I have no right, no reason, to feel jealous and hurt.
I used to call him and tell him about the men I was seeing. I did this to make him jealous, for no other reason, believe me. I told him about how great they were, how kind, how funny, how they were so much better than he was. I did this, knowing that it had to hurt him, if only a bit. He, on the other hand, did not talk about her, barely mentioned her name, did not tell me how much better she is than me… He simply says, don’t worry about it. Because he knows that I am consumed with questions, feeling terrible and feeling hurt. He knows all this because he knows me. I am sure he knows that he could have lied, but he has only lied to me once in our whole friendship. I am telling myself, that I am in Austria, and that he is in America, and insignificant. I am telling myself, that I should not care. I am telling myself that it was going to eventually happen, that this is really for the best and I need to move on, and I have no right to feel the way I do… I am telling myself this, all the while, feeling a longing, a yearning in my stomach and a dull ache in my heart. I am telling myself this, while feeling gutted. I have no reason to feel hurt, no reason, to feel jealous, no reason to care at all. Yet, I have never felt a greater sense of the end with us. It really is over. He is moving on… I will too… However, I still love him. Despite his flaws.
He has a girlfriend… And he’s happy… This shouldn’t make me feel so shitty… I should be happy for him. He didn’t lie. He told me the truth… And he’s happy… Isn’t that what matters? What matters is that he’s happy right? I should be happy for him right? I mean this day would have to come eventually. I knew that someday he would move on… I just hoped… I just wanted… I guess I just wanted to believe that it never would. I guess I just wanted to believe that he would always be mine. But he’s not.
Why do I care? I’m in Europe, doing amazing things… Living a life that his girlfriend who probably only went to CC will never ever live. I am doing more with my life than any Cleveland TN girl could ever dream of doing. I am smarter than this girl, doing more with my life than this Laura girl; I am better than this girl.
He may be happy, but he’s happy with a girl who won’t want more with her life. He’s happy with a girl who thinks that a job at Ruby Tuesdays is a good job. He’s happy with a girl who has no idea what Europe looks like, how to speak another language, wants to live in TN all her life and never go anywhere important. He will be happy with a girl who is no where near as good as me, as cool as me, as smart as me, as funny as me… His new love will not be me. She will not love him as much as I do, she will not understand him like I do… She will not be me. She will be a second rate, less than as wonderful, not me.
I will marry a man who is amazing. He will be a man of God. He will love me with all of his heart. He will not be like Nick. He will be honest, he will be loving. He won’t settle for some girl from Cleveland TN… He will be better than that.
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