Conversations I've had with you in my head...

I've said all kinds of things to you in my head. I've had whole conversations with you. I've told you that you're not the man for me. I've told you I love you... I've told you that you'll never love me. In my head I have said things to you that I would never say to anyone. I don't know why I can't say these things to you in real life. I don't know what holds me back or what keeps me from being honest... Not that I lie to you, but I'm never fully honest. I am very skilled at giving you just enough to make you feel comfortable. Enough to make you think you know exactly what I'm thinking. I wish I had the courage to have the conversations with you that I have in my head.

One of the things that I would tell you, is that you're the kind of man that I want to marry, and if you really don't ever see yourself getting married, you can't be with me because I want to get married and have kids... If you don't then don't waste my time. Which is too much to ask from you right now. And I understand that. Its just I want that epic love story that transcends time and that might seem naive. I'm aware that it is a lot to expect from life, but it's what I'm aiming for. I don't see us having that. In part because in your mind, you've already had it and because in mine there is the chance that I never will.

It may be childish, it may be naive, but I want the fairy tale love story that makes my friends cry and causes my mother to want me to get married. I want the kind of love that last even after one of us dies. The kind when after one death the other just stops living due to broken-heartedness. The kind of love that produces children who respect people and want to make the world better than it is. The kind of love that last forever. I believe it is possible. I won't settle for less. I have before. I won't now. I'm 24 and while that may still be young, I'm not getting any younger, and I don't have time to waste my heart on bullshit.

I'm 24, a good number of my friends are engaged or married, and I don't have time to waste on you. Not that you are generally a wast of time, but you're a waste of my time and my heart. And while I would love you to prove me wrong, I know you won't. So, I'm going to keep searching the world over for my prince charming, for my happy ending, and while I may never find it, it's better to die searching for what you really want, than to live settling for what you don't.

That being said, you will tell me that I don't know these things to be true, and neither do you. You would tell me that you don't even know which way is up and which is down and to not give up... At least this is what you say in my head. It's not even really what I want to hear. It just what I think you would say but better... Anyway, who knows, maybe someday we'll talk about this and you'll tell me what I need to hear, whatever that may be, and I'll stop having conversations with you in my head because we'll start saying things in real life.