I know

I told him I knew as soon as he started talking about it. A woman has this instinct that lets us know right before something is about to go wrong. "She's grown up a lot." He says this, after spending 2 weeks with her... I listen to him talk about her for a good 30 min. I know... I may have been born at night but it wasn't last night... I know... He knows her. He's known her for years. She's held onto him. Of course he likes that. He's telling me about her and I would be lying if it said it didn't mess with my emotions... He wants me to want him, but he's telling me about someone else. This was the moment I threw in the towel. "Don't worry" he says, "in five years she probably won't be around." We have this thing, that in 5 years after he's gotten over all of his shit, I get to call dibs... "Maybe I don't want to anymore." I almost whisper this... "What? Call dibs?" He asked... "Yeah" I say with more confidence, I mean he's been sleeping with his ex for the past month, why would I want to consider someone who is doing that. "That's messed up!" He almost sounds angry. As though he's upset by the idea that I no longer want him... "Why?" I ask and honestly, at this point, I don't understand why he would be upset.

He has DB1 to take care of him. (DB1 and DB2 are his two exes that we refer to as dumb bitch one and two.) I on the other hand am not a dumb bitch. He knows this and I know this... And yet, during this particular conversation I feel like one. I'm pissy and upset and my feelings are hurt and I refuse to say what I really want to say which is "How can you say you have feelings for me and tell me all this shit! Can't you see it hurts me? Don't you know how I feel about you?" We argue about why it bothers him that I no longer want to call dibs, which really means I no longer want him. We argue about if his feeling are hurt or not and talk in "Maybe" as in "Maybe that hurt my feelings" and "Maybe when I kissed you I felt something" And we dance around what we both really want to say and no one says what they really mean.

What it all boils down to, is that he is broken, and needs to have someone love him anyway... Someone who sees how broken he is. I don't know if DB1 does. He says he needs me in his life, and coming from him this is a lot. I know because he swears up and down all the time that he doesn't need anything or anyone. What it all boils down to, is that I know he's going to go back to DB1. I know that she provides some momentary comfort and knowing this breaks my heart a little. What it all boils down to is that he is basically everything that I want and can't have. What it all boils down to is that we are two broken people, looking for someone or something to fill the cracks, hoping that eventually someone or something will. Maybe he hopes it will be me? Maybe he thinks it will be DB2 and she'll come back and make everything all better. Maybe he has no idea what he's doing and just needs to be wanted. I think DB1 needs him in her life. I don't need him in mine, and for some reason, in my head this just makes the case for why he shouldn't be with her stronger. He doesn't need someone who needs him. That's the mistake he's made time and time again. He takes some girl with daddy issues and problems who needs someone to make it all better and he does and then when she can stand on her own she leaves.

Maybe I shouldn't care as much as I do, and not take his thing with DB1 personally. Maybe I should just ignore how I feel and not call dibs and forget about all of it. That would probably be the best thing. But I felt something when he kissed me. And he did too... And I've liked him for years. And you can't make your heart not want something even if your head is telling you it can see your heartbreak from a mile away... I wish they could line up for once. My head and my heart, and get on the same damn page! It would make life easier. He says it hurt his feelings because he specifically wanted me to call dibs... I'm not so sure about that... What I am sure about, is this will either end very badly, or be the best thing. He says they've talked about getting back together. He says he doesn't even know if they will, but I know. I know him... I know.



I Know by Fiona Apple

So be it, I'm your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, dont need to say it