Conversations I've had with you in my head...

I've said all kinds of things to you in my head. I've had whole conversations with you. I've told you that you're not the man for me. I've told you I love you... I've told you that you'll never love me. In my head I have said things to you that I would never say to anyone. I don't know why I can't say these things to you in real life. I don't know what holds me back or what keeps me from being honest... Not that I lie to you, but I'm never fully honest. I am very skilled at giving you just enough to make you feel comfortable. Enough to make you think you know exactly what I'm thinking. I wish I had the courage to have the conversations with you that I have in my head.

One of the things that I would tell you, is that you're the kind of man that I want to marry, and if you really don't ever see yourself getting married, you can't be with me because I want to get married and have kids... If you don't then don't waste my time. Which is too much to ask from you right now. And I understand that. Its just I want that epic love story that transcends time and that might seem naive. I'm aware that it is a lot to expect from life, but it's what I'm aiming for. I don't see us having that. In part because in your mind, you've already had it and because in mine there is the chance that I never will.

It may be childish, it may be naive, but I want the fairy tale love story that makes my friends cry and causes my mother to want me to get married. I want the kind of love that last even after one of us dies. The kind when after one death the other just stops living due to broken-heartedness. The kind of love that produces children who respect people and want to make the world better than it is. The kind of love that last forever. I believe it is possible. I won't settle for less. I have before. I won't now. I'm 24 and while that may still be young, I'm not getting any younger, and I don't have time to waste my heart on bullshit.

I'm 24, a good number of my friends are engaged or married, and I don't have time to waste on you. Not that you are generally a wast of time, but you're a waste of my time and my heart. And while I would love you to prove me wrong, I know you won't. So, I'm going to keep searching the world over for my prince charming, for my happy ending, and while I may never find it, it's better to die searching for what you really want, than to live settling for what you don't.

That being said, you will tell me that I don't know these things to be true, and neither do you. You would tell me that you don't even know which way is up and which is down and to not give up... At least this is what you say in my head. It's not even really what I want to hear. It just what I think you would say but better... Anyway, who knows, maybe someday we'll talk about this and you'll tell me what I need to hear, whatever that may be, and I'll stop having conversations with you in my head because we'll start saying things in real life.

Bellevue

I'm sitting home, by myself on a Saturday night watching House... alone... There could be a million reasons why I'm sitting home alone watching TV on a night like tonight, but none of them are good reasons. The main one being that I'm single, and I don't feel like leaving my house just to talk with other single women about being single. My friend J wanted to go to a salsa club tonight... I don't dance. Well, that's not true... I don't like crowds of people and I don't like random creepy guys trying to talk to me or dance with me. Granted I'm not a very pretty girl and I could stand to fix a few things about myself, but I am a girl none the less and I'm not unfortunate looking so every once in a while I get hit on by guys. I am some guys type in a way. I'm short, have curly brown hair, and brown eyes... There are guys that go for that.

I'm not the going out type at all really. I'd much rather hit a bar or a karaoke place than go to a club. Nashville is a good city for a person like me. Tons of bars to hang out in, bars where I do not have to talk to anyone if I don't want to but can if I do. Sometimes, I'll go to a coffee shop by myself with a book and read. I like being in public, I don't always like being with people. I could go to a coffee shop tonight if I really wanted to... But I don't. I'm funny that way. I don't want to be alone, but I do.

I've spent a lot of time by myself over the past two years. Well, that's not all together true. N and I broke up two years ago. Before we broke up I spent almost all of my free time with him. I miss that. I miss having someone to spend all of my free time with. Sometimes, when he would get off of work, he would have me meet him at his apartment out in Bellevue and we would drink and watch one of 3 movies and then brush our teeth and go to bed. Brushing your teeth with someone is a very intimate thing to me. It's something personal that you don't normally do with other people. Something you do by yourself when you wake up or right before you go to bed. Being there in his apartment with him, getting ready for bed, I felt like we were on our way to getting married. I didn't live with him per se, but I did sleep every night at his apartment, had a tooth brush there, and forgot enough clothes there that I really didn't need to bring any with me.
I spent my freshman year of college in that apartment. Sometimes, I wish I was spending my time there now. But not really. I just want to be spending my Saturday night with my boyfriend, drinking vodka sours, watching our favorite movies, and then going to bed. It doesn't need to be N. It could be anyone. But sometimes, on nights like tonight, when I'm home alone in my parents house, waiting to go back to my apartment in another city, I wish I were back in Bellevue, with a drink in my hand quoting lines from a crappy movie I have seen a hundred times, with the guy I've been brushing my teeth with since I was 19.

I know

I told him I knew as soon as he started talking about it. A woman has this instinct that lets us know right before something is about to go wrong. "She's grown up a lot." He says this, after spending 2 weeks with her... I listen to him talk about her for a good 30 min. I know... I may have been born at night but it wasn't last night... I know... He knows her. He's known her for years. She's held onto him. Of course he likes that. He's telling me about her and I would be lying if it said it didn't mess with my emotions... He wants me to want him, but he's telling me about someone else. This was the moment I threw in the towel. "Don't worry" he says, "in five years she probably won't be around." We have this thing, that in 5 years after he's gotten over all of his shit, I get to call dibs... "Maybe I don't want to anymore." I almost whisper this... "What? Call dibs?" He asked... "Yeah" I say with more confidence, I mean he's been sleeping with his ex for the past month, why would I want to consider someone who is doing that. "That's messed up!" He almost sounds angry. As though he's upset by the idea that I no longer want him... "Why?" I ask and honestly, at this point, I don't understand why he would be upset.

He has DB1 to take care of him. (DB1 and DB2 are his two exes that we refer to as dumb bitch one and two.) I on the other hand am not a dumb bitch. He knows this and I know this... And yet, during this particular conversation I feel like one. I'm pissy and upset and my feelings are hurt and I refuse to say what I really want to say which is "How can you say you have feelings for me and tell me all this shit! Can't you see it hurts me? Don't you know how I feel about you?" We argue about why it bothers him that I no longer want to call dibs, which really means I no longer want him. We argue about if his feeling are hurt or not and talk in "Maybe" as in "Maybe that hurt my feelings" and "Maybe when I kissed you I felt something" And we dance around what we both really want to say and no one says what they really mean.

What it all boils down to, is that he is broken, and needs to have someone love him anyway... Someone who sees how broken he is. I don't know if DB1 does. He says he needs me in his life, and coming from him this is a lot. I know because he swears up and down all the time that he doesn't need anything or anyone. What it all boils down to, is that I know he's going to go back to DB1. I know that she provides some momentary comfort and knowing this breaks my heart a little. What it all boils down to is that he is basically everything that I want and can't have. What it all boils down to is that we are two broken people, looking for someone or something to fill the cracks, hoping that eventually someone or something will. Maybe he hopes it will be me? Maybe he thinks it will be DB2 and she'll come back and make everything all better. Maybe he has no idea what he's doing and just needs to be wanted. I think DB1 needs him in her life. I don't need him in mine, and for some reason, in my head this just makes the case for why he shouldn't be with her stronger. He doesn't need someone who needs him. That's the mistake he's made time and time again. He takes some girl with daddy issues and problems who needs someone to make it all better and he does and then when she can stand on her own she leaves.

Maybe I shouldn't care as much as I do, and not take his thing with DB1 personally. Maybe I should just ignore how I feel and not call dibs and forget about all of it. That would probably be the best thing. But I felt something when he kissed me. And he did too... And I've liked him for years. And you can't make your heart not want something even if your head is telling you it can see your heartbreak from a mile away... I wish they could line up for once. My head and my heart, and get on the same damn page! It would make life easier. He says it hurt his feelings because he specifically wanted me to call dibs... I'm not so sure about that... What I am sure about, is this will either end very badly, or be the best thing. He says they've talked about getting back together. He says he doesn't even know if they will, but I know. I know him... I know.



I Know by Fiona Apple

So be it, I'm your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, dont need to say it