Sobbing

I just finished watching Toy Story 3. The last 10 min of the movie I sobbed. I'm not talking a few tears and maybe I sigh, I mean I sobbed like a baby. I cried for a million reasons, only one of which being how sweet the movie was... I cried because my heart has been so heavy lately. I've had so much on my mind... The truth about everything in my life right now, is that I'm tired. I am so tired. I've been fighting myself, trying to hide, and I am tired of it... I'm tired and I'm done.

People play games with you, some not realizing that they are and they expect you to not take it personally. If you're playing games with my head, of course I'm going to take it personally... There's this person in my life... This person claims to know me. This person claims that I am an open book, completely easy to understand. This may be true. I am not hard to figure out, mostly because I do not try to hide who I am. If you feel you have figured out some aspects of who I am, congrats, you have a brain. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't try to have a poker face, and I don't try to mislead people. I say what I think, I act in a way that represents me, and I am not afraid to be real. This person has been playing games with me. I had some pretty strong feelings for this person too... I really liked this person and could have easily seen myself falling for this person. I no longer think this way.

I value tradition. I sometimes wish we lived in the 50's when men and woman had certain roles when interacting with each other. A man would never ask a woman if she loved him unless he loved her in return. A man did not have "feelings" talks with women other than the one he was with, and this was out of respect for his partner, the other woman, and himself. A man that truly respects himself has boundaries and respects other people's boundaries. I value old fashioned ways of living. I wish I had clearer boundaries. I should have had clearer boundaries with this person. I assumed that it was clear that the conversations we were having were ones I didn't want to have. I assumed that it was clear that to me unless he was pursuing me, he shouldn't be trying to get me to talk about my feelings... I assumed this because this person claimed to know me. If he knew me, we would have never had these conversations to begin with.

I am learning to value my own time. I am learning that my worth comes from something other than people, and that I cannot waste time or my heart on people who are not going to honor it. I cannot waste my heart on someone who will not guard it. Yes, I want my friends, my boy friends, the people in my life to guard my heart. I know this sounds ultra Christian and may sound too baptist for some of you, but its how I feel... Guard my heart! Respect my time. Both are worth more to me than any friendship.