The things I have been saying over and over again...

Dear Randy:

I do not lie to you. I don't tell you anything that is not true... I do not tell you things that I do not believe, I do not tell you things that are not the case, and I most certainly do not outright lie. I am not a liar. Please don't make it seem like I am. If anything, I have a hard time not telling you things. I have a hard time not having a filter with you. In fact, when I try, all you have to do is ask and I tell you. I am not deceitful, on the contrary, I am as open with you as I can be with anyone. I am guarded, and I am this way for a reason. I have a hard time trusting, and this is for a reason. If I show you anymore of myself than I do to most people, it is because I feel as though you are trust worthy. Please don't do things to make me re-consider this.

If you know how I feel, and you know that I take you seriously as a prospect, why would you ask me about another woman? If you honestly think that I am in love with you, why would you put me in this situation? Why would you hurt me like that? Why would you hurt one of your best friends like that? If you know that acting like I don't care is my way to deal with knowing that you don't want me, why would you push it? The only reasons I can think of that you would want to know how I feel is if you didn't feel the same way or you actually did have feelings for me and wanted to pursue it, or you are evil, or you are stupid... I don't think you are evil. I also don't think you are stupid. So either you need to grow some balls and tell me that you have changed your mind and do not have feelings for me anymore OR you need to quick dicking around and let me know that there may be a future because I can't do this back and forth thing. I can't tell you how I feel one day and then act like nothing was ever said. I can't tell you that I want to be with you one day and then give you advice on things with your gf the next. I either need to have it made clear to me that I'm just in the friend zone, or I'm not. Its not complicated, its not difficult, its not convoluted, it is what it is... Plain and simple.
Please guard my heart in this. Please stop reminding me how I feel if you do not reciprocate. Please do not try to make our friendship about the fact that I have feelings for you, and please allow me to be your friend the best way I know how, even if it is in a way that you do not feel is honest. I will never mislead you... But you know where I stand. I don't need to constantly tell you that I want you to not be with her. I don't need to tell you that I wish it were me.... You should know that by now. We shouldn't have to keep going in circles... I'm trying to be the best friend to you that I can be...
What I really want to know is why you expect me to tell you my heart if you feel like its being wasted on you? Why do you keep wanting to hear me tell you about my feelings if we both its not going anywhere. You're not going to pursue me, and I'm in no place to be with anyone so what is your angel? What do you want from me? What are you trying prove? If your goal was just to remind me that I'm human and that I have feelings and I am capable of loving another human being you've succeeded. If you were trying to remind me that I am indeed a girl, well done, I admit it now, can we move on? If loving you is the roadblock in our friendship, then why is it bad that I pretend I do not? I just want to know your intentions... That's not too much to ask for is it?


R