Verliebt in Berlin

Last night Micha and I went out with 3 of his friends. They were all gay…. I used to pride myself on my gaydar abilities, but its hard to know who is gay and who isn't. My gaydar was in fact amazing… Until I get here and gay guys act just like straight guys…. Man, its hard to have gaydar when they dress like straight men, talk like straight men and are just like straight men. Not that gay men are totally different or that they have a distinct way of acting that makes it clear who is and who is not gay, but rather as a woman who has a million gay friends you just know.

So anyway, we went out with these guys last night and one of them in particular was the kind of guy that I would love to date. He was funny, smart, good looking, nice, all the things that you would want in a bf or a partner for that matter. He was very affectionate with one of the other guys there but Germans have a different way of going about friendship and are a lot more openly affectionate with each other and I hate making assumptions about people anyway. But after a bit I asked Micha whether they were gay and it turns out all of the 3 were. Now one was obvious, but the other two were only obvious as the night went on. It just figures that the best night I've had going out with men in a long time would be with 4 gay men… Which would be reason number 546 why I can't maintain a relationship with a straight man.

I'm sitting here right now at a café close to Michael (who if you haven't figured out is Micha) people watching which is what I do best. Germans are so interesting to me. The way they interact with each other, the way they talk, the way they walk, the way I feel they perceive me. For example, there is a young man standing close to me, he is wearing a loud neon blue t-shirt that says out of the box in a rainbow of colors with really shitty camo pants and a blue and orange baseball cap. To say that he is wearing a rainbow is an understatement. He is trying to look cool, which is the way with all young men.

There is another guy close buy with very curly blond hair, a maroon sweater, and black pants. He has a tan backpack on and is walking with a girl who is either his gf or a close friend. You can tell from the way they interact. This man who is a construction worker is watching me watch House. There was a cool part and I got really excited. Sitting in a café with a laptop is not normal for Germany. Especially when you have a Mac like me. Its not normal in general to have a Mac at all but anything their pc's can do my Mac can do better. I also know I look silly laughing at my computer…. But I don't really care.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about home, about the way my life is there. I don't think I want to come back. I'm going to look into doing my masters here. I think it will be better for me. Somehow I'm a better person here in Germany. My past doesn't follow me here and I feel like my sin isn't as great, because Nick's not here, and I have Michael. Being around your best friend makes a world of difference. When I'm around Michael I am at my best, even when we fight like an old married couple. I can be myself and not just myself, but my best self.

We went to Michael's brother's house and hung out with him, his gf, and his new baby. She's a month old. I think I wanna give her a Dr. Seuss book for Christmas. I had a great time holding the baby... Not like its really that different than holding any other baby... Jrew for example is one baby I love holding and after a while baby Scarlett let me hold her. I was the baby holder in my family.... I love babies. I like the idea of when she starts taking English in school and knows that there's this book from a girl named Roxanna who held her as a baby. I like the idea of a child having a book that is both inspirational and meaningful that she can associate with me. Michael's neice's name is Anna. I'm gonna give her "Oh the Places You Go." It will be good for her.

This week is going by too fast. I feel like I just got here. I love you all!


R